외로움과 행복

난 지금 혼자다.
얼마 전까지만 해도 혼자라는 것이 별로 힘들것 없다고 생각 했었다.  그래서 이렇게 먼 곳으로 이사올수 있었던 것이고....

하지만 시간이 갈수록 내가 혼자라는 것이 새삼스럽게 느껴질 때가 많아진다.  그리고 혼자 보내는 시간들이 점점 더 외로워진다.

아~ "난 이런것을 하고싶다... 배우고 싶다... 먹고 싶다... 가고 싶다..."  그런 생각들이 떠오를 때마다 내 옆 자리가 더욱 더 허전 해진다.

거울을 볼때마다 나이만 계속 들어가고 있는 나를보며 내 친구들이 그리워진다.

늙어 가면서 남은 시간을 같이 나눈다 라는 것은 부부, 가족을 떠나서 친구들도 얼마나 중요한 것이라는걸 또 새롭게 생각하며 기대하고 기도하게 된다.

내 인생에 행복했던 순간들을 떠올려 본다:

남편과 사랑에 빠졌을때...
금방 목욕시킨 우리 아기들 머리냄새 맡을때...
아들, 딸 행복해 하는 모습을 볼때...
나이 45에 대학교 입학해서 첫 수업을 할때...
마음에 맞는 친구들과 깔깔 웃을때...

나의 행복은 돈도 아니고 집도 아니고 옷도 아니고 물건도 아니다.

진짜 행복은 마음속에 간직되는 추억들을 내가 사랑하는 자들과 같이 차곡차곡 쌓아가는 과정 안에 있는것 같다...

친구 투성인 나

오늘 나는 친구 투성이다.

그들이 나에게 준 선물들...  나를 생각하며 골랐을 것이 분명 하기에 그 하나 하나의 물건들이 더욱 더 소중해진다.

그들과 보낸 많고도 적었던 시간들...  다시 한번 기억해 본다.

나는 내가 닮고 싶었던 친구들을 한 자리에 모았고 여러 대화를 권했다.  한번씩 모일때 마다 나에게 비타민이 돼 주었던 그들의 진실한 생각들...  그들의 영양이 나에게는 어떤것이었는지 그들은 알고 있을까?  그 모임의 소중함을 나만 느낀것일까?

난 최선을 다해 노력했다.  더 자라려고...  더 커지려고...   하지만 매우 부족하다고 생각 했었다.   매우 배고프다고 생각 했었다.

...    ... 

나는 이제 그곳을 떠나 버린다.

액셀러레이터를 밟으며 점점 더 멀어지는 거리...
뒤돌아 보면 슬플것이라고 생각 했는데...

... 뜻밖에 내마음엔 슬픔이 없다. 
내 앞에 펼쳐지는 넓은 땅을 바라보며 그들을 떠올릴때 나는 왠지 기뻐진다. 

나도 모르는 사이에 그들이 내 안으로 가득 들어온 것일까?  그래서일까?

호텔 방에서 짐을 열어본다.
그 안에는 그들의 선물들이 가득 찼다. 
내 안에는 그들이 가득 찼다.

...   ...

하루를 또 시작하며 로션을 바르고, 향수를 뿌리고, 꿀을 먹고, 목도리를 두르고, 가방을 들고 세상을 맞이한다...

오늘 나는 친구 투성이다.

그리고 친구 투성인 나는 부드럽고, 향긋하고, 달콤하고, 따듯하고...  멋지다.

Good-Bye

I began this blog in June of 2008 as an outlet to talk about my newly discovered passion, the MBTI personality types. It seems so long ago.

I have since embarked on a journey of getting an education. My passion shifted from being an MBTI enthusiast to starting (starting was the hardest part) and getting through college as quickly as possible. Now that I am nearing the end, I feel as though the finish will be somewhat anticlimactic. I'm sure by then, I will have come up with another new and "exciting" thing which will leave my husband shaking his head once again.

At any rate, this blog no longer seems to fit me. I've tried to do many things with it, I've stretched it beyond what it was intended to be, and I've tried my best to keep it going as long as I could.

But quite honestly, I think we're done. It's time to say good-bye. Thank you for the memories. :)

*sniffle*

Writing has become a chore

I am seriously beginning to wonder if my brain is shriveling up. I cannot sit down and write a decent paragraph anymore unless it is required for a class. Even then, I can only crank out the bare minimum.

I have so many topics that I want to write about on this blog, but the thought of going through the process of writing gets so overwhelming that those ideas just get thrown into the "to be filed" pile.

Honestly, I envy those who continue to blog on a regular basis, and I now completely understand old friends who have stopped. It really is a very difficult task to keep this thing current. There was a time when all I wanted was to write all day long. I've lost that feeling.

I'm getting a headache already after attempting this post. My head is so foggy and thick, I can no longer find my way around in there.

There ya go. That's an update on what's been happening. :)

Describe Yourself in Six Words

Today's mission on MISSion Amy K.R. blog was to come up with a six-word sentence to describe ourselves. I had so many ideas that seem to fit me perfectly, so I came up with ten sentences and had a hard time deciding which one to post. Can you guess which one I chose?

• Reinventing myself over and over again.
• Breaking out of cage of impossibilities.
• Little push turns mediocrity into excellence.
• Normal: an illusion of the mind.
• Refusing norms and exploring the ellipsis…
• Good can always be made better.
• Looking to improve what doesn’t work.
• Forty-something and just getting started.
• Learning to see from other angles.
• There is always a plan B.

Being Interested Can Be the Greatest Gift

We were preparing to move to America. I was 12 years old. My grandmother, who had raised me exclusively from age 1 to 6 and intermittently after that, asked me if I wanted to go take a look at her new apartment where she will reside upon our departure. Without a second thought, I told her no, I had plans to hang out with friends. She did not ask me again. A month later, my parents, my brother, my sister, and I boarded a giant airplane headed for the U.S. I never got to see my grandmother's apartment. Two years later, she passed away.

I often try to imagine in my mind where and how she lived after we left. But I cannot see it. I have no memory of it, because I didn't bother to take an interest in the person that I loved the most and whose love I took for granted. It is one of my biggest regrets.

Today, I asked my kids if they would like to go look at my university campus where I will be spending much of my time for the next two years. Without a second thought, they said, no, they had other important and more interesting things to do.

Now I sit here wondering if my grandmother was as disappointed as I am now... and if my actions indicated to her that I had no interest in knowing any details about her life.




This song keeps playing in my head...

To Follow or Not to Follow Advice (A Melon Story)

I knock on the watermelons for the sound of ripeness before I pick one. Somewhere along the way, I started this habit. When I say "sound of ripeness," I mean any sound that doesn't sound like a dull block of wood.

Yes, you guessed it -- I have no idea how to pick watermelons. A friend once suggested the knocking method, and I've been doing it ever since, for no better reason other than that it makes me look (I'd like to believe) like I know what I'm doing. The worst part of it all is that I never come home with a good watermelon. You would think that I would pick a good one at least some of the time... but no such luck.

Now, picking a cantaloupe is an entirely different story. I look for that nice cantaloupe-like shape with a nice cantaloupe-like color. Then I smell the bellybutton (that's what I call it) of the cantaloupe for that nice cantaloupe-like smell, and I can almost always pick a sweet one. This method has never failed me. However, last week when I was at the farmer's market with my sister, something awful happened.

As I eagerly approached the bin full of cantaloupes fresh off the truck, one of the workers handed me a cantaloupe and said, "Here's a good one!"

"Wow... thank you, " I said, dumbfounded by this trying-to-be-helpful but annoying and unwelcome gesture. I proceeded to bring the fruit up to my nose and inhaled deeply. My head was screaming "put it back!" but what could I do? I felt obligated to nod at the guy and put the less-than-desirable cantaloupe in my cart.

"I actually wanted more than one," I said, hoping to get another chance at the bin.

"Oh? How many? Two? Here are two more. See this green around the stem? That's how you know it's a good one."

Really? I've never heard that before... I was very skeptical, but I wasn't about to argue with this self-proclaimed cantaloupe specialist about how to pick fruit. How would that look? And besides, he could know something that I don't know. After all, he had that confident-farmer look about him, and I felt I should just trust him. I purchased them and brought them home, hoping for the best.

Well, it turns out that his method is crap. I ended up eating mediocre and flavorless (grrrr) cantaloupes. Well, one of them was good, I admit, but I'm certain that was by sheer chance rather than his method. Yep. You should've seen my disappointment when I cut that first one open. *sigh* (You gotta understand... I live for fruit.)

The lesson I learned?

Don't let anyone, not even the "experts," lead me astray. Do my own research, make my own choices, and stick to my guns. Trust my own instincts (like the smell of ripeness), not empty words. And it's okay to occasionally try someone else's idea for the purpose of experimentation (like how to pick a watermelon), but in the end, I am still responsible for the choices I make. :)

Literature, Fruit, and Life

The book ended. Sadly, they always do. I tried so hard to savor it as slowly as I could, forcing myself to read only a few pages at a time, but it ended nevertheless.

I wonder if the stories were allowed to go on and on, we would eventually tire of them? And if so, would we still speak of them as fondly?

This leads me to ponder over other things in life. Everything in life seems to be most pleasurable at the peak of its development. Fruits are a great example. I carefully watch, wait for, and pounce on the moment of the fruit's maximum ripeness. If not, I am left with a bitter, rotten, or irritatingly unsatisfying taste in my mouth.

What about people? When developing a relationship, the heart-pounding excitement does not go on forever. We meet a person of interest, get intrigued by them, learn about them, want to spend more and more time with them, then there's the inevitable plateau, or even a downturn. What if a developing relationship ends at its peak just before reaching that plateau, due to circumstances out of either party's control such as relocation or death? Then that person is remembered forever as the best neighbor, friend, colleague, partner, lover, etc. We are left remembering only the extraordinary, because we are spared the ordinary that certainly would have followed. (Hmm... this also makes me wonder about the fine line/overlap between presence and absence -- but that's another think for another time. lol)

I believe humans are constantly driven to seek this type of peak pleasure in everything, whether it be physical, emotional, intellectual, or even spiritual. Of course, some of us have it worse than others, and we must be aware of our healthy boundaries while keeping a grip on reality. But I think the repeating lure of the next (and the next) bite into the ripeness of life is what gets us out of bed every morning.

Perhaps people's addiction to literature is no exception.

The Beauty of Nothing Special

I spent a lovely day with my two kids. Having nowhere to be other than meeting some friends for lunch, we spent relaxing and laid-back 9 hours together. I am still in awe of just how much we truly enjoyed this lazy and stress-free day filled with mundane and ordinary togetherness. My kids probably didn't even realize it, but I saw us. We were blissfully happy with no agenda. We get far too few of these times...

The Onging State of Idleness and Uncertainty

I started this blog, which is actually my third do-over blog/thought journal, to share my fascination with life in general, and the MBTI (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator) in particualr, after having attended a week-long MBTI training session and becoming a certified MBTI nut (haha). My first post was two years ago in June of 2008.

So much has happened/changed since then. I find it interesting that both my life and this blog seem to have turned into a mixed soup with absolutely no clarity or direction. I keep stirring and stirring, hoping that it will turn into something wonderful, but all I keep tasting are mostly doubts and insecurities and only occasional hints of a potential something... something that I cannot quite fully grasp and snap a mental picture of.

Everything seems to be up in the air, in limbo, in a state of confusion, idling and waiting for a push or a pull toward something definitive... something worthy. I thought education would teach me all I need to know about where to go and how to get there. I've been going to college non-stop since January of 2009 (and will be for at least another two years), and I know less now than when I started. How does that happen?

And... I don't know what to do with this blog. I'm fighting the urge to delete and start over again. hmm...

My New DSLR Adventure

I have about a month before jumping back into full-time study, so I decided to treat myself to an adventure. After many hours of research and shopping around, I am now the owner of a brand new weapon -- my very first DSLR camera: Canon EOS Rebel Xsi. I called it my "Weapon of Mass Perception" on Facebook, but I don't think anyone got it. Oh well...

It's an entry-level camera, and I'm overwhelmed with all the awesome features and the mind-boggling amount of information about aperture, shutter speed, etc. etc. etc... but I think I will eventually get it. maybe.

In the meantime, I LOVE the camera and the crispness of the images I can get with it. Why didn't I get one sooner?--is the question that I keep asking myself. I'm having so much fun taking pictures of everything in sight, such as...

Flowers:


Pets:



Books and magazines laying around:




Fruits:

My food experiments:



And...my family, who are not always accommodating. They give me dirty looks, hide, or run away from me when they see me coming with camera in hand, so I have to sort of play the ninja photographer. But I think these hunt-and-shoot photos turn out to be the most interessting:





Lastly, I love this picture of the clouds. It doesn't look like much, I know, but looking at it makes me happy. I will be taking many more cloud shots, I'm sure! :)

A New Look!!

I have not posted anything for a while... and in lieu of writing a post, I thought I'd change the look of the blog. Whaddaya think??? :)

And... just to give you something to ponder over, check this out:



I just LOVE him!!

Making Friends with the Fear of Humiliation

I've been in school for a year and a half now, and it seems the more I learn, the less I know. What's that song?--the one that goes:

I say hey I'll be gone today
But I'll be back all around the way
It seems like everywhere I go
The more I see
The less I know

Well...that's how I feel about my brain and its ability to retain anything. One time, a good friend asked me, "If you could do one thing all the time for the rest of your life, what would it be?" and I answered that I would love to write for the rest of my life. But that's before I knew just how revealing one's writing is about one's knowledge, maturity, and intelligence. (...or lack thereof.)

Karen Horney (pronounced Horn-eye) (1885-1952) was a German psychologist who believed that we have three different selves--the Real Self, the Despised Self, and the Ideal Self. The Real Self is the inner core of our personalities, the real and healthy self. The Despised Self describes our perceived inadequacies amplified by our perception of how others evaluate us. The Ideal Self, then, is our version of perfection that we continuously strive toward in order to compensate for the inferior feelings of the Despised Self.

She also believed that the purpose and goal of psychoanalysis should not be to help someone get closer to their Ideal Self but to help him/her to fully accept his/her Real Self.

I was raised by my grandmother from age one to five in her attempts to help out my mother. Although this was not an uncommon occurrence in Korea at the time--meaning my situation is not at all unusual--I struggled with rejection, both real and imagined, when I rejoined my parents and two siblings. It makes sense, then, that I have always battled with my Despised Self and still fight it on a daily basis.

But how do you even begin to unravel the web that has been twisted and knotted so tightly that the original thread is no longer discernible? No. I cannot fathom it. Besides, I think the twists and knots are rather interesting, even beautiful in a puppy-so-ugly-that-it's-cute sort of way. It's mind-boggling to think that I have to somehow get underneath all that to see what's supposed to be real.

Instead, I'd rather step back, look at the knotted mess as an intricate and necessary part of this "Real Self," and continue knitting my own unique bumpy and ugly sweater with it. If nothing else, it will keep me humble. N'est pas?

Anyway, writing is still one of my passions. But I suspect that it will never measure up to my own standards, regardless of how educated I become. I cringe today at what I wrote yesterday, and I will cringe tomorrow at what I wrote today. I will always be terrified of what others will think of it. I guess that feeling of "not good enough" extends into everything I do.

But instead of attempting to eliminate the fear, I just make friends with it and take away its power. Fear of humiliation never stops me from throwing myself on stage again and again (and coming home crying with mental tomato stains.) ...But there's always a tomorrow to do it again (and again). ...And according to Shakespeare, "all the world's a stage!" Ha! ;)


Image: http://vi.sualize.us/view/beuchampniven/034e863a325dea9ba9d6dd8613ce415d/

Sky's the Limit

Soft pastel on black paper

Rethinking the MBTI

I have not written anything about the MBTI in quite a while, but I've been thinking about an interesting question lately.

Do we perceive our MBTI preferences in comparison to the people around us? For example, I grew up in a family full of Js. And my husband is the king of all Js. Therefore, I, who may or may not be a P at all, tend to see my own behaviors as extremely P-like in comparison to them.

Let's take one of the questions on the assessment: "Does following a schedule A) appeal to you or B) cramp you?"

Except for those who find themselves at either extreme, I tend to think most people would answer according to how they compare with other people around them. In my case, I have been choosing B as my answer, because I have always come up short against my husband's militaristic routines. But as I've been dealing with a few absent-minded professors and way-too-laid-back team members on class projects as of late, I would likely choose A as my answer if I were to take the assessment today.

To put it simply, it's like this: I am tall and plump when I'm with my Asian friends but short and thin when I'm with my American friends.

MBTI can be an excellent tool and a great starting point for us to explore how we think and behave, but I'm beginning to have some reservations about the four letters that we assign ourselves. To me, they are just too restricting. I think my true MBTI type is EISNTFJP and any combination thereof.

Perhaps we can only see ourselves in relationship to the others who surround us. And, of course, that can and does change.

Back to the original plan

My art exploration semester is almost over, and I'm getting ready to dive into the books again. boo...

I would love to continue foo-farting around with my quasi-talent that may or may not improve with time. There's still so much I have not tried, such as painting, watercolor, ceramics, and sculpting. If I had discovered that making art is my passion, I could justify wasting more time to explore. But that's not at all the case. Perhaps I could come back to it when I'm in need of a hobby. But for now, I need to move on...get back on track.

The workaholic in me is anxious to get this show on the road toward something more practical. So... I signed up for a full load in the summer and again in the fall. I'm hoping to finish my BA by the end of 2011.

Oh... and remember when I said I would only post original images from now on? I take that back. I change my mind. I've decided I don't need to put myself under strict guidelines. The rest of the world gives me enough of that already. Sometimes I'm better at finding what fits instead of coming up with original stuff. Hey, we all have to know our limitations, right? There's nothing wrong with taking short-cuts when I need to. Whew! That's a load off my mind!

I was torn about the art thing up until just now, but now I feel so much better!

Onward!

Yay! :-)

UPDATE: Umm... yes, you guessed it. I'm rethinking my plans again. Gosh, this just seems like my last chance to get it right, and at the end of this journey, I don't wanna be "should-ing" all over myself (to steal someone else's clever phrase).

I know I'm putting myself in danger of looking very flaky when I share so much of my indecisive pacing back and forth in my head, but this is MY space. I will have no shame in showing my uber-flaky, fruit-cake-y, scatter-brainy, wishy-washy, and cringe-worthy side!

To make long story short, I am reconsidering the art thing, along with the psychology thing, which will perhaps turn into an Art Therapy thing... Then I will have the best of both worlds AND also be able to somehow make a difference in other people's lives, which, contrary to what I thought, is more important to me than anything else. Funny...as I write those very words in this moment, they became more true than ever before.

Entre Vous...

I took this shot at the park the other day. Doesn't this look like an entry way into a fairy tale?

Illustration Project

Old nursery rhyme revisited:

Illustrator + Photoshop + InDesign.

I added the second verse. What do you think? :)

Chalk it up to spring...

Experimenting with chalk pastels in Drawing I class:

Spring


Balancing Act


Forest

Don't let it drop...

Class project: Create a magazine ad. Photoshop + Illustrator.

It's all about me me me!

Class project. Collage about self. Photoshop + Illustrator.

Many shades of Carl Jung

Class project. Adobe Illustrator CS4.

Tenacity

This is my hero: A cherry tree in our front yard with that bag gash in its trunk.

Sprezzatura

It is becoming increasingly difficult to keep up with the blog. I have considered deleting the account many times, but I just can't bring myself to do it for whatever reason. I think it's because there's so much of me contained herein... because I try to be more honest here than anywhere else. I need not follow any rules here - grammatical, social, or otherwise (unless I want to). ;)

Here's the latest drawing I did of a painting by Raphael. I used pencil, compressed charcoal, and some pastels. It's a portrait of Baldassare Castiglione. Castiglione wrote The Book of the Courtier, in which he coined the Italian word "sprezzatura," meaning "effortless grace." It is the ability to perform difficult actions with the appearance of ease and nonchalance. The opposite of sprezzatura is affectation.

This word has been on my mind for the last few weeks. Sprezzatura requires years of practice so that the act becomes almost a second nature. I find it ironic that it also seems to require many years of soul searching and loads of courage, even lots of practice, to know and display what is our true nature - who we really are underneath all the accumulated muck and lies. hmm...

BTW, it took me what seemed like forever to finish the drawing for our final project. I don't think I would be drawing another portrait anytime soon...

Grass looks greener on the other blogs

I don't know what it is lately, but I've been discovering so many talented and creative people who write blogs. No, I'm not looking for them, but I somehow end up at their sites and drool over their creativity, which seems far superior to mine.

Having been inspired by the originality and genuineness displayed by these sites I've visited, I've made one decision about mine: I will do my best to use my own images for all of my posts from here on out (except, of course, when the post calls for other specific images).

Let's see how that goes...

:-)