Working through the heaviness

I woke up with something heavy in the pit of my stomach. It wanted some attention, so I ventured.

I guess it must come from suddenly feeling disconnected from the world as I knew it. I wondered when was the last time I got together with my girlfriends just to laugh? When was the last time I called my sister or my mom just to talk? When was the last time I saw my church family? When was the last time I went shopping for something other than food? When was the last time I cooked a meal from scratch? When was the last time I went to the theater? When was the last time I saw the ocean?

Two semesters ago, I have jumped in head first into this college endeavor of mine, and I have not looked back. With a maximum course load, together with my annoying need to overachieve in everything, I go to bed thinking about my assignments and wake up thinking about my assignments. Do I even have the capability of half-assing anything? I don't even know what that means.

I often jolt to a waking state in a panic, thinking that I have overslept and missed a class... only to find that I still have plenty of time.

I am struggling to keep my priorities in order, that being that I am a mother first, wife second, and a student third. The third seems to repeatedly come up as first; and although my family understands and fully supports me, I'm left wondering if I'm being unfair to them. But, miraculously, we are still managing through it as one unit.

That leads me to the rest of the people and things that are being neglected. I do have an obsessive-compulsive streak in the way I jump into things, and I'm known to get tunnel vision when I am focused on a project/mission. But this has to be, by far, the most I have become detached from life outside of my immediate world.

I know that keeping a balance is probably the key to coming out at the other end of this journey emotionally intact, but that's easier said than done.

I still get butterflies as I arrive on campus each morning, or as I sit in a classroom waiting for the professor to arrive. I still can't believe I am actually finally going after what I've always wanted. How can I not give it my 200 percent? So, I find myself on the ride of my life while gripping tightly onto the love and support of my husband and my kids. There's no more room for anything else.

And once in a while, I feel the disconnect from all those other people and things I love... and wonder if I'm doing the right thing. There will be no more do-overs. This is it. What if ten years from now, I look back and realize I had traveled on the wrong train?

I let it hang in all of its heaviness for a moment...take a deep breath...then ask myself, "Am I still having fun?" And the answer is, "Oh, yes!" I went into this promising myself to keep having fun, and I must maintain that perspective if I want any chance at crossing the finish line. At the same time, I know that if the answer should ever change, I have the choice to get off the ride. I have to allow myself that loophole in order to continue breathing.

Also, I have this... the online outlet for expressing and releasing my thoughts so they don't just fester inside my mind. It is a much appreciated friend. :-)

Having worked through the heaviness this morning... for the time being, the weight lifts and the confusion subsides. Onward, student!

[Image credit: Don Hong-Oai]

Freedom and Fear of Loneliness

My quest in life is freedom. Being free to think, free to choose, free to learn, free to speak, free to laugh, free to cry, free to love, and free to be this person behind the eyes through which I see the world. Being truly authentic, original and unique is my goal in everything that I do. I make great efforts to achieve this goal (at the cost of often humiliating myself). I have a going joke that I have a ministry called "Fall-down Ministry" where people come to watch me make a fool of myself. I think I'm beginning to get the hang of the falling down (and getting back up). :-)

On the flip side, my greatest fear is loneliness. The likelihood that there will never be another one like me... that ultimately, I am utterly alone in this world... is the fear and dread that plague me.

There's something strangely appealing about conformity. It is the magnetic force that constantly tugs at me, and I am certain it has power over most of us in varying degrees. I wish I could just give in to it and be satisfied. That is the chronic thorn in my side. It would be so much easier just to fall in line with the majority and not be so rebellious. I wish I could just flip the off switch and ride the current.

Perhaps the cost of freedom is separation; and in order to be truly free, we have to be willing to face the loneliness.

(Just in case you were wondering... the image is a photo of "Rebellious Slave" by Michelangelo.)

The Fear Overtaketh

I've been spending a lot of time over at CPP ICON Success site in the last few days, and I have to admit... I'm thoroughly intimidated.

I have come to the conclusion that it takes a certain type of an overachiever to keep up with the blogging world. "Am I up to par with these folks?" is the question that keeps swirling around in my head. Ever since Mike Shur, the administrator of the site, wrote an extremely encouraging post about me a few days ago, I feel myself pushing harder for... um... what exactly am I pushing for?

I've decided it's time to re-evaluate my vision and my goal.

Question #1: What is my main objective as an MBTI Practitioner?

It has never been about the money with me. If there was no money to be made, I would still do it. I love it that much. However, the sad fact is that people generally do not appreciate what they don't pay good money for. Free or minimal fee usually translates to "no need for commitment." Why is that? And not only that, my ISTJ husband would like to see some sort of a positive cash flow, however miniscule it may be. He basically lost his wife to MBTI in the recent months; and a slight financial gain would make the pain more bearable, I'm sure.

I would like everyone I consult/work with/help (whatever the lingo is) to learn how to maximize their gifts and begin to live their lives fully. I strongly believe that having an outlet to express/use our unique talents and be appreciated for them is vital in getting the full enjoyment out of life. We were created to create. We were created to BE and DO what we're good at, no? People often tell me, "Not everyone has that luxury." But I believe success automatically follows people who are passionate about what they do, not the other way around. Call me a dreamer.

Question #2: What should my focus be with the MBTI?

I've only conducted two real workshops (currenly on my third one), but I already know that I want to take it further than just the basic "What's my type?" stuff.

Will it be with career counseling? Should I concentrate on team-building? Marriage and family counseling appeal to me as well. I don't even know what I'm qualified to do, or how far I can go with this. I would also love to investigate the possibility of cross-cultural work. I have a good friend who is a retired high school counselor and a part-time MBTI practitioner in South Korea. But he doesn't speak much English, and I'm not good with Korean business lingo. hmmm... ideas explode in my head like fireworks...

Will everything just fall into place if I just relax and slow down my pace? But how can I, when I see people like Breanne and Mike, who seem almost superhuman to me.

Question #3: What if I don't succeed? What if everyone finds out that I'm not as competent as they (and I) thought I was?

AHHHHHHHHH! THE HORROR!

It's a scary world out there...