Working through the heaviness

I woke up with something heavy in the pit of my stomach. It wanted some attention, so I ventured.

I guess it must come from suddenly feeling disconnected from the world as I knew it. I wondered when was the last time I got together with my girlfriends just to laugh? When was the last time I called my sister or my mom just to talk? When was the last time I saw my church family? When was the last time I went shopping for something other than food? When was the last time I cooked a meal from scratch? When was the last time I went to the theater? When was the last time I saw the ocean?

Two semesters ago, I have jumped in head first into this college endeavor of mine, and I have not looked back. With a maximum course load, together with my annoying need to overachieve in everything, I go to bed thinking about my assignments and wake up thinking about my assignments. Do I even have the capability of half-assing anything? I don't even know what that means.

I often jolt to a waking state in a panic, thinking that I have overslept and missed a class... only to find that I still have plenty of time.

I am struggling to keep my priorities in order, that being that I am a mother first, wife second, and a student third. The third seems to repeatedly come up as first; and although my family understands and fully supports me, I'm left wondering if I'm being unfair to them. But, miraculously, we are still managing through it as one unit.

That leads me to the rest of the people and things that are being neglected. I do have an obsessive-compulsive streak in the way I jump into things, and I'm known to get tunnel vision when I am focused on a project/mission. But this has to be, by far, the most I have become detached from life outside of my immediate world.

I know that keeping a balance is probably the key to coming out at the other end of this journey emotionally intact, but that's easier said than done.

I still get butterflies as I arrive on campus each morning, or as I sit in a classroom waiting for the professor to arrive. I still can't believe I am actually finally going after what I've always wanted. How can I not give it my 200 percent? So, I find myself on the ride of my life while gripping tightly onto the love and support of my husband and my kids. There's no more room for anything else.

And once in a while, I feel the disconnect from all those other people and things I love... and wonder if I'm doing the right thing. There will be no more do-overs. This is it. What if ten years from now, I look back and realize I had traveled on the wrong train?

I let it hang in all of its heaviness for a moment...take a deep breath...then ask myself, "Am I still having fun?" And the answer is, "Oh, yes!" I went into this promising myself to keep having fun, and I must maintain that perspective if I want any chance at crossing the finish line. At the same time, I know that if the answer should ever change, I have the choice to get off the ride. I have to allow myself that loophole in order to continue breathing.

Also, I have this... the online outlet for expressing and releasing my thoughts so they don't just fester inside my mind. It is a much appreciated friend. :-)

Having worked through the heaviness this morning... for the time being, the weight lifts and the confusion subsides. Onward, student!

[Image credit: Don Hong-Oai]

Change and Anxiety

Change is good, right? Anxiety is normal during a major change, no?

I am so anxious tonight. I don't know if I'll be able to sleep. Everything seems so topsy turvy. Things are changing. Tomorrow is the beginning of a new chapter and something I've been waiting for for a very long time...

I've opened the refrigerator at least 10 times in the last 30 minutes and can't find anything I want to eat. I've checked and rechecked my list for tomorrow. I think I'm prepared. Why am I so nervous?

On my way to the refrigerator yet one more time, I thought perhaps I should just write about my anxiety to relieve some pressure. But what do I say? The words are not there. I may start a series of posts journaling this new adventure. Who knows? I have not decided.

To add to the madness of it all, I've completely turned my business upside down. It has always been a losing proposition. I was giving away more than I was bringing in and hated having to promote myself. I never wanted to start the business. I just wanted to help people. But I somehow got roped into the mindset that I must make a profit with my newly acquired knowledge/skills. I knew deep down that it would not work.

I've decided to turn the MindBlink business site into a just-for-fun playground to showcase and promote other talented people, randomly chosen by me. It will no longer be a profit-oriented business, but a place for me to have fun and use my creativity to encourage others who are brave enough to pursue what they are passionate about. I will continue to offer my MBTI services to whoever is interested and as give-away prizes, but I'm done promoting myself. I'm choosing to shed the weight that was making me sink deeper into the dark hole called "need-to-suceed".

On the home page of the site, I state my reason as follows:

"Why? Because I can!"

I'm too old (and too stubborn) to play the game of worldly success. Instead, I want to use my gifts and resources to encourage other creative people to go after their dreams. That, my friends, makes me feel like I can breathe again.

As to the other (big) change I mentioned earlier... I'll keep you posted!

Ciao! :-)