Because it desperately needs to perceive separation, the ego has a very limited capacity to love.
For this very same reason, however, it also has a very great capacity to be afraid.
If the ego is involved, then the love around it is always conditional.
We can't unconditionally love anyone we either need or resist.
We should sing with them...not cling to them.
Consider this: All psychotherapy occurs at a number of different levels. Obviously, there's the physical component: the therapist interacts with the patient at a particular location in space and time. Equally obvious, there's also an emotional component that invariably shows up as the patient, guided by the therapist, walks into the labyrinth of their own belief system in order to meet and confront the shadowy minotaurs that await within.
Finally, (and here's the real power of therapy), there's also the distinct possibility that a genuine spiritual shift can take place for the patient. For example, after courageously changing the context of how he sees the world, he can become transformed through his own insights.
In order to create the opportunity for such a healing, however, I suspect that all effective therapy has to first begin by helping the patient identify and acknowledge the unvarnished inner truth about "what's so" for him.
For example, it's axiomatic that the only place that we can move away from is the very place that we're currently occupying. In other words, it's impossible for us to change ourselves from where we aren't. I've been wondering, then, if we can use the obviousness of this truth to discover that all good psychotherapy is rooted in the patient's willingness to begin to love themselves unconditionally.
Consider this: Before helping them to change into who they are not, what happens when a therapist first encourages his patient to fully "be" who they already are? In other words, instead of, indirectly, implying that their patients are "wrong" for being as they are, what would happen when the focus is first on making them "right?" In short, the therapist actively encourages the patient to begin to free his inner spirit to become, paradoxically, what that spirit already is.
His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog.
There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.
The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.
“I want to repay you,” said the nobleman. “You saved my son's life.”
“No, I can't accept payment for what I did,” the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.
“Is that your son?” the nobleman asked.
“Yes,” the farmer replied proudly.
“I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of.”
And that he did.
Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.
Many years afterward, the same nobleman's son who had been saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia.
What saved his life this time? Penicillin.
The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son's name? Sir Winston Churchill.
Some things to remember:
What goes around comes around.
Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody's watching.
Sing like nobody's listening.
Live like it's Heaven on Earth.
The quality of your life is often determined by the quality of the questions that you ask yourself. Your inner mind is, quite literally, compelled to answer all of your questions….voiced and unvoiced…no matter how limiting or self-destructive those questions might be. Your feelings are not problems to be solved, obstacles to be overcome or difficulties to be denied.
They're only passing phenomena on your path that are inviting you to experience them fully.
But don't turn down their invitation. If you won't let them be as they are, the won't let you be as you are.
For example, if you ignore you feelings when they show up for you on the doorstep of your heart, they'll surely hassle you for your lack of respect.
They'll disappear into your unconscious for a while, but when they come back to you...and they will... they'll be brininging some friends!!!
Although people often use fear to protect themselves from achieving the success that they want, it's important to remember that you were born with only two basic fears: 1) the fear of falling and, 2) the fear of loud noises. All of the other fears that you have (e.g. fear of failing) have been learned and nurtured. Your deep-rooted belief in their reality literally attracts the circumstances and conditions that will allow you to continue to support your belief in their validity. Once again, when you change your beliefs, you will change the realities that you attract.
However, we live in an uncertain world and things happen with startling randomness. As a mature adult, you need to come to terms with the harsh reality that there are no absolute guarantees for any of us. Complete certitude and risk-free living is impossible. In short, you could be doing everything right, and still get hurt. However, by becoming more willing to live that risk that life is, you'll begin to embrace it more on its terms instead of expecting that life is always going to align itself with you. But what would you rather life: a risk-free life or an authentically human one? Remember that the bumps in the road are a part of the road, too. Best advice: fully acknowledge and embrace your fears...and then have the courage to go ahead and do it anyway.
Remember that if you truly want to change your life, you must take action. It's much easier to change what you're doing than it is to change what you're thinking and how you're feeling. However, a lot of people avoid taking action to change their circumstances until they "feel better." Paradoxically, it's really the opposite. Most people will begin to feel better as soon as they find the courage to take action.
I don't think that people have "problems." By labeling what shows up for you as problematic, you infer that what's present for you is, somehow, wrong or bad. However, that stance puts you at war with "what is" because whenever you argue with reality, you're going to lose. I do, however, believe that all of us have "challenges" that need to be appropriately addressed. The question that we ask ourselves about what's showin gup for us actually determine how we're going to be experiencing these situations. If you start to think, for example, "Why is this happening to me?" your inner mind is compelled to come up with reasons to justify why things are painfully unfolding like they are. However, such a question only invites your inner mind to disempower itself through discounts and self-imposed victimization. Some better questions might be: "How can I use this experience to grow? What is life trying to teach me right now? What's the lesson here?" And don't be afraid to sit in the center of your personal chaos for a while and just "not-know." Paradoxically, breakdowns often precede breakthroughs.
Creating Your Own Life (Part 4)
People usually lose more things (e.g. jobs, relationships, money, health, skills, etc.) through neglect than they do through misuse. By not paying attention to the basic details, many people start committing simple errors in judgment and then repeating those same errors, again and again, over an extended period of time.
For example, it's not going to destroy your business today if you don't make those few extra phone calls this afternoon. But, eventually, it will slow down its growth. Eating a second helping of pie today won't totally ruin your diet, but if you give yourself permission to do this every day, you're going to gain weight. Although it's very easy to write out your goals each and every day, it's also very easy not to. Once again, simple errors in judgment, repeated over time, will eventually have a cumulative negative effect on your future success.
Simply put, successful people are willing to do what unsuccessful people are not willing to do. They develop a totally committed mind-set that says, in effect, "I absolutely must succeed in this endeavor or something catastrophic will happen." Through their controlled obsession toward reaching their goal, winners give themselves absolutely no margin for failing. This is in direct opposite to the kind of wishy-washy thinking that says "Well, I think that I'll go after this goal for a while and see what happens." Since their initial commitment is weak and unfocused, there is little chance of them succeeding.
Unsuccessful people will often give you a lot of reasons why they aren't winning. In fact, some of them will enthusiastically defend the so-called "reality" of their own self-imposed limitations. "I'm unsuccessful" is very different than operating from a position that says "I just haven't succeeded yet." The first is a static condition while the second is an acknowledgment that the game isn't over yet, and that your life is still unfolding.
Successful people don't set limits for themselves. They keep their eyes on the summit and not on the valley below them. They're willing to live outside of their comfort zone and to play where the opportunities are. People who chronically fail are always looking at the "risk within the opportunity" while people who succeed are looking at the "opportunity within the risk." However, if you're not willing to build your own dream, then you'll probably end up building someone else's dream. Take your pick!
Above all, successful people pay careful attention to their personal associations. You'll likely develop into the combined averages (e.g. emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, financially) of the five people that you associate with the most. Make sure that your closest friends are fully supporting the kind of person that you want to become.
And never ever give up creating your dream. Successful people, quite literally, "fail their way to the top" because, no matter what happens, they just keep going for it. It's been wisely said that "Losers quit when they're tired while winners quit when they win."
Creating Your Own Life (Part 3)
There are steps you can take to work toward changing your beliefs:
First, specifically list exactly what these old unproductive beliefs have cost you (emotionally, financially, physically, etc.) in both the past and in the present. Next, if you don't give them up right now, graphically describe what these old beliefs will probably cost you in the future. Finally, create and extremely compelling picture of the very positive changes that your new beliefs will bring into your life. Every day, vividly imagine yourself living in these exciting new realities. Remember that, if you don't change them, your old beliefs will just keep producing the same old results. New beliefs will begin to attract new results.
In order to begin changing your beliefs, though, you'll have to carefully examine your priorities. Are your goals specific enough? If they're not, the universe won't know just how to respond to your. For example, would you ever go into a restaurant and ask the waiter to bring you "whatever?" Wouldn't you, instead, place a specific order for what you wanted to eat? Since the same is true for the universe, your clear statement of your goals is, in effect, placing an order for Life to bring it to you. Consequently, the more precise and descriptive you are about your goals, the easier that it will be to attract them onto your path. For example, your goal should not be to "find a job." Instead, you need to be very specific in describing the kind of job that you want to attract. If you fail to do this important step, then you're surrendering your right to consciously choose the results that you want. When you do that, your vagueness and lack of clarity will invite the universe to bring you "whatever."
Secondly, you absolutely must make a convincing argument to yourself exactly why you want to achieve this new goal. If your "why" is big enough (i.e. both persuasive and compelling) then the ways and means for you to succeed in accomplishing it (i.e. the "how") will, quite mysteriously, show up for you. However, if your "why" isn't big enough, you won't likely be able to attract that energy into your life. Naturally, you'll also need to honor and respect your own values here because they must be in alignment with your goals. For example, you may discover that the "why" about getting a particular job has much less to do with the money you'll receive than it does with having a better opportunity to grow, share, contribute and serve.
Next, you need to decide what price that you and your immediate family are willing to pay in time, effort, resources, etc. in order to accomplish this goal. If you're not willing to sacrifice for your goal, then you probably don't want it badly enough.
The fourth step is to decide on a specific timetable in which to achieve this goal. Remember that there's no such thing as an "unreasonable goal;" only, perhaps, an unrealistic time frame in which to accomplish it.
The fifth step is particularly important: you need to write down your goals in long-hand each and every day. No exceptions! Your inner mind needs to know that you are absolutely 100% committed to having these things in your life. Writing them down makes it more real.
Finally, create a daily, short-term plan that focuses your energies towards achieving these long-term goals, and then follow through on the plan. At the end of the day, review your progress and be willing to make any mid-course adjustments to it in order to make tomorrow's plan even more effective.
Every day, learn to practice the art of focused concentration on what you passionately want in your life. Essentially, focus is "controlled obsession" while obsession is "uncontrolled focus." Remember, too, that there are the same 24 hours in every day for everyone so set your own priorities. If you just want to have an average life, then start spending major time on minor things.
Creating Your Own Life (Part 2)
This is a very important point. The past cannot be the true source of the present simply because it's just not real anymore. Only the present can be the source of the present. How your life unfolds (or unravels) is actually determined by the thousands of decisions, both big and small, that you make every moment, each and every day. And, since you're always able to choose your own responses to life, you are, ultimately, "response-able" or responsible. Others can advise you, of course, but only you have the final decision about your course of action. You cannot ever give away this ultimate responsibility. In fact, even if you decide to "not decide," that's still your decision, too.
Humans, however, often try to create a false linkage between what they did and why they did it. For example, have you ever heard this from one of your kids: "I hit him because he called me a name." The finger-pointing implication here is one of causality. The kid who threw the punch is implying that the name-caller is, somehow, the one responsible for his own violent response. However, the fact is that one kid chose to call the other a name, but then that kid chose to respond to the insult by hitting him. Trying to create a causal linkage between the two actions is to ignore the existence of free will. You don't do things "because" of what other people have done. You do things because you freely choose to do them. Period.
Your actions are triggered by your feelings, and your feelings are determined by your thoughts. However, your thoughts and the decisions that you make today are mostly generated by your deeply-held personal beliefs. Essentially, you are living your life out into your beliefs about "how things are." In fact, even life's so-called "meaning" for you finds its way into your beliefs, both conscious and unconscious, that you actually become the creator of your own experience in the world.
This is extremely important because the universe is compelled to support your definition of how you think life either is...or how you think that it "should" be. No matter how distorted your beliefs might be, the universe will automatically provide you with the validating evidence that "justifies" your continued support of those beliefs. For example, if you believe that "women will always betray me," then you'll likely create yourself to be around women who will prove themselves to be untrustworthy...at least to you. The universe, it seems, wants to make you right.
Because of this "law of attraction," you'll have to first change your distorted or unproductive beliefs if you want to attract new results in your life. In other words, you cant' get to the new results that you want from the old beliefs that you have. Whenever you become willing to change how you're looking at things, however, then the things that you're looking at will, quite mysteriously, begin to change, too.
Creating Your Own Life (Part 1)
Of all the people that you'll ever know in your life, you are the only one that you'll never leave or lose. And so, to the question of your life, you are the only answer. To the problems in your life, you are the only solution.
People often make the mistake of looking outside of themselves in order to discover the source of their own lives. For example, many of them point to their past in order to justify the things that are unraveling in their lives right now. How many times have you heard a variation of this same lament: "My life doesn't work very well because of how I was raised." Essentially, this familiar excuse is really an irresponsible cop-out. You are not so much a victim of your past conditioning as you are a product of it.
Here's something to consider: Although we all live on the crosshairs of life (the "here and now,") the only thing that's actually real is this present moment. For example, when you're remembering the past or imagining the future, you're referencing them both from the only place where you can actually exist in...this moment of "now."
Because the past does not "cause" the present moment, what happened to you back then is not very important. In fact, the events that occurred in your childhood...no matter how painful...are not nearly as deterministic for you in the present as are the conclusions that you've drawn from them. In other words, it's the interpretation or spin that you, yourself, have given to your earlier events that now shape how you relate to both the world in general and to yourself in particular.
But as long as you continue to blame your past experiences for your current life's conditions, you're avoiding your own personal responsibility for changing those conditions. Instead of acknowledging yourself as the creator of your own life, you'll spend your life waiting for someone (or something) else to change first.
Some time ago, my friend Linda asked me if I’d be willing to make periodic contributions to her blog. After thinking about it for a few days or so, I discovered that I really couldn’t come up with a good reason to say “no.” As part of the deal, though, Linda asked me to initially write a short introduction about myself, and so here are some of the highlights: I’m a retired, unmarried and still-licensed psychotherapist who lived earlier in southern California for 37 years. After backpacking alone through 16 countries in SE Asia in 2006, I bought a home in Lake of the Woods near Fredericksburg. Some of the backstory: Although I was born, raised and educated in Chicago as a Catholic (the Sisters of St. Joseph, the Dominicans, and the Jesuits), I discovered in my mid-20’s that I was resonating spiritually more with eastern philosophies. In 1970, I became a devotee of Raman Maharshi and have gone on to write five easy-to-understand books on eastern thought, specifically non-dualism. Besides English, my writings have been translated and published in German, Dutch, Hungarian, Russian, French and (in 2009) Italian. They’re available through Sentient Publications in Boulder, CO, or through www.amazon.com. For more information about what I've been into (and up to), I invite you to visit my website at: www.chuckhillig.com or simply Google “Chuck Hillig.”
An Enlightened Man: He acts, yet is not bound by his actions. He reaps the fruits of past actions yet is unaffected by them. He has a body but does not identify himself with it. He rests within it like a carriage. He appears to be an individual, yet he is present in all things everywhere. If people provide him with comfort and luxuries, he enjoys them and plays with them like a child. He bears no outward marks of a holy man. He remains quite unattached to the things of this world. ~ Shankara
"Unless you develop true intimacy with what’s real, then you’ll always be struggling with both your fears and your desires.
But your heart can’t be truly intimate with either fear or desire.
Your heart can only be truly intimate with who you really are."
