Guest Post: Confessions of a Sofhearted Scrooge

The following is a guest post by Richard Wade:

(Reprinted from a post on Friendly Atheist, December, 2007)

Christmas time is a pain in the neck for me. But this year I’m trying to be a nice atheist.

Today I went to the hardware store for a light bulb and some batteries. The place had transformed since I’d been in a few days ago, from hardware store to mondo-bizarro-psychedelic-drug-trip-surreal-fantasy-forest. On my left there was a nine foot tall purple and white inflated penguin with snow cap and scarf, as if a monstrous Chilly Willy had been considered for the climax of “Ghost Busters” before they settled on the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. On the right was an army of plastic snowman families dressed in Dickensian clothes huddled together as if for warmth, singing carols. In front of me was a larger than life statue of Santa Claus wearing shades and straddling a Harley Davidson motorcycle with recorded Christmassy versions of “Born to Be Wild” and “On the Road Again” coming from a speaker in his chest. Beyond that was literally a forest of ready made artificial pine trees decked out with every toy-snowflake-bulb-trumpet-ribbon-angel-elf-snowman-reindeer-tin soldier-candycane-package-harp-star-sleigh-icecicle-teddybear-drum-locomotive-doll-bell-resembling, but still unidentifiable object that could ever come out of the scrambled minds of a thousand psychotic Christmas product designers.

If I was struck sharply on the head, given large doses of PCP, methamphetamine and LSD and suddenly transported into the center of an extraterrestrial civilization all in the same instant the experience would be similar but less disorienting than walking into that former hardware store.

The place was crowded and people were almost frantic in their searching and buying. As I stumbled through the labyrinth of lunacy to where I thought the batteries and light bulbs used to be, a woman nearby was looking at a box of exterior Christmas lights and saying, “Look Honey, these change different colors and flash at different speeds. Let’s get these.” My befuddled mind flashed back to 1962 “light shows” with colored lights pulsing to the rhythm of rock music.

I found my merchandise and prepared to escape with what shreds of sanity were still mine when I saw a display of several shelves of plastic nativity scenes with the Holy Family, animals and manger. On the base of each one was a red button labeled, “Try me!” I pressed the button and a recorded voice started saying “When Jesus was born in Bethlehem…blah blah,” followed by some of the more religious Christmas carols. There were eighteen Nativity Scenes on display, so of course I pushed every button. “When Jesus was born…” “When Jesus was…” “When Jesus…” The cacophony of eighteen of them all going at once in staggered sequence was impressive and it continued for several minutes as I left the store, somehow feeling better.

When I got home my lovely, wonderful, deserving-of-anything-I-can-give-her wife said, “Richard, we’ve got to get the Christmas cards sent out.”
Now I’m trying to be a nice atheist this year so I said, “Ohhhhh, okaaaay,” muttering “humbug” under my breath. So I pulled this big carton out from the garage that has 37 pounds of old leftover Christmas cards. We buy them by the boxful to try to save some money and we end up with leftovers. There are pretty ones and funny ones, but no really religious ones. Some say, “Merry Christmas,” or variants of that, some say, “Happy Holidays,” or variants of that, and a few odds and ends mention Hanukkah. The reason we have so many leftovers is because our family and friends fall into so many categories: devout Christians, not-too-heavy Christians, observant Jews, unobservant Jews, a few Buddhists and of course other nice atheists like me.

So we had to carefully sort out who gets what kind of card. Some of the devout Christians are getting touchy lately about sentiments that don’t mention the word “Christmas.” They’re not happy with “Happy Holidays.” The not-too-heavy Christians are fine with anything except of course the Hanukkah ones. Our observant Jewish friends don’t complain, but we don’t really want to send them one that mentions Christmas. Our unobservant Jewish friends don’t seem to mind either way, but still it would be better that they get a Hanukkah or at least a “Happy Holidays” variant. The Buddhists welcome any good wishes even though they know it’s all an illusion. Finally the nice atheists (like me) don’t care much one way or the other but if we send them either kind of card they might think I’m starting to get religion and I wouldn’t want that. But then we don’t want them to get nothing….

Then there was the problem of whether or not we sent a person one of these cards before. We don’t want to send anybody the same card twice. Most of them are pretty smart and would remember a duplicate even if it was several years ago. Some of these cards are getting really old.

All this took a lot of time and I was tempted to chuck the whole carton into the fireplace and print up my own cards that say:

“Wishing that you don’t get seriously injured while fighting in the tiger shark feeding frenzy at the mall trying to find thoughtful and valuable gifts for everybody else who’s out getting stupid cheap stuff for you that you won’t like but will have to pretend that you do and trying to avoid going broke in the whole nonsensical process, in observance of whatever the heck holiday you celebrate, if any.”

But I didn’t do that, because I’m being a nice atheist.

Later my lovely, wonderful, deserving-of etc. wife said, “Richard, could you put up the Christmas lights and set up the tree while I’m at the market? I know it’s a pain in the neck for you, but makes me happy.”
“Ohhhhh, okaaaay.” I said, muttering “humbug” under my breath again. She’s just barely a deist but she has fond childhood memories attached to all this paraphernalia so hey, if it makes her happy, what else is important? So I dragged out several boxes of Christmas geegaws for inside and out without complaining the way I usually do. And this year, just to be a nice atheist, I removed the sign from the front door wreath that says,

“Co-opted pagan symbol displayed for traditional purposes only; no religious affiliation implied.”

This year I’m going to be a nice atheist, dammit. If the neighbors mistakenly assume I’m a Christian, so what? Screw ‘em. (muttering “humbug” under my breath)

Risking life and limb teetering on a ladder I put up the exterior lights around the eves of the house, a string of colored ones and a band of white ones supposedly resembling icicles. That’s weird too. It hasn’t snowed here since 1951. Only here in Lotus Land would people use lights to imitate icicles. My neighbors compete by the thousands of kilowatts to express who is the most frikking joyful, making the neighborhood look like an electrified Currier and Ives lithograph on steroids. I’ve heard icicles can kill people back east. I hate snow. It almost died in it. Humbug.

Oh for the days of my youth when front yard Christmas decorations were sensible like the tumbleweeds painted white and stacked up and decorated to look like snowmen. Decorations with deep meaning like the two Santa feet sticking out of the chimney or the all-aluminum Christmas tree, dazzling in the color-changing floodlights on the dichondra, or the glowing plastic camels carrying guys looking like bin Laden marching toward a glowing plastic manger, overseen by a much larger glowing plastic Rudolph. Those decorations were tasteful and meaningful. What has become of it all? (sigh) Humbug.

Season’s Frikking Greetings.
Richard

Guest Post: It's Just a Word

The following is a guest post by Richard Wade:


I waited a whole week to think about commenting on this because at first I was angry for personal reasons that you’ll find below. If I indulge my first impulse when I’m angry, I usually regret it. But now I’ve calmed down and I’d like to talk about something that was in the list of Decision Making Styles from the book “Introduction to Type and Decision Making” that Linda posted on August 30.

I am an ESTP and I take great exception to the authors using the word “expedient” to characterize how ESTPs make their decisions. No matter what dictionary you use, the second meaning, nowadays the meaning most often intended, is to me a deep insult. It means “Based on or marked by a concern for self-interest rather than principle; self-interested.” The word is loosely related to “expeditious” but in “expedient” that efficient, quick-problem-solving quality is always linked to tossing out any inconvenient principle like fairness, honesty or compassion in order to get what one wants. If you have a dictionary that does not portray this ruthless, selfish quality in the word “expedient,” throw it away because you may end up inadvertently seriously offending someone.

None of the other adjectives in the list carry such a negative meaning. I would have been delighted to have been represented by “pragmatic” (concerned with what works) or “sensible” (as in making sense) or even the rather cold sounding, Mr. Spock “logical,” but all those were already taken by other types. “Prudent” (having good sense in dealing with practical matters) would have been fine, or “efficient” (getting the most effect with the least effort) but no, I and my ultimate realist fellow ESTPs got smeared with “expedient.”

Here’s why I’m touchy about being called that: I was once wrongfully accused of an ethical transgression and spent a sleepless year fighting for my professional reputation as well as a goodly sum of my salary that was withheld from me. My employer offered me a settlement to dismiss the consequences if I just admitted to the offense. Since it was a complete lie, that would have gone against my principles of honesty and commitment to the truth.

That would have been expedient.

Because it was a lie and because I knew that they knew it was a lie, I told my employer to carefully but deeply insert that offer into their rectal orifice. My immediate supervisor knew that the charge was bogus, but he pretended that he believed it and supported my being punished because, he admitted later, it put him in a better standing with his boss. He rationalized that he would be able to stay in the position to make changes for the better. Horse crap. He lied and left me to fight it out on my own for his own selfish interests.

He was being expedient.

I question the wisdom of ever using single adjectives to characterize the 16 types, even in a brief overview such as these. I have been told that they are chapter headings in the book. The other single adjectives may seem correct to most of those who read the chapters about themselves, but those adjectives are certainly not complete. The problem is that most people will not bother to read the entire descriptions of types other than their own. They’ll remember the quickie, single sentence sound byte: “ESTPs are expedient.” The type becomes a stereotype.

This way of characterizing the types may help people have a quick, efficient, “expeditious” grasp of a type’s general aura, but when that convenience uses a characterization that is hurtful,

it is being expedient.

I’m interested in understanding the authors’ rationale for distilling ESTPs’ decision making style into the single word “expedient” but I don’t really want to spend $13.25 plus shipping just to read that chapter on the chance that it will soothe my hurt feelings. Perhaps Katherine Hirsh, who sometimes visits here or anyone else could help me understand?

- Richard Wade

Guest Post: Not My Type

The following is a guest post by Richard Wade:

“I would have hired him but then I learned that he’s a Baptist.” [or substitute Catholic or Lutheran or Jew or Muslim or atheist or Sikh, etc.]

_______

“Yeah blogging is fun but you have to be careful because unless they put up a picture you can’t tell if they’re… you know, Caucasian.” [or substitute African or Latino or Asian or Middle Eastern, etc.]

_______

“Who’s that? He’s cute.”

“Oh him. Yeah, but he’s a Sagittarius. [or substitute Aries or Libra or Scorpio etc.]

Oh, darn. That would never work out. Forget it.”

_______

“I’m having a great time.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“So what’s your MBTI type?

“I’m an ESTP.” [or substitute ISFJ, or ENFP, or ISTJ, etc.]

“Oh……..”

“Something wrong?”

“No, I uh, just realized I’m late for an appointment. Gotta go, bye.”

I have witnessed variations of the first three conversations countless times and if you haven’t yet, eventually you will either be a witness, a participant or a victim of the prejudicial treatment that sadly often comes with categorizing people into groups and types. People who are insecure or immature feel anxiety when meeting strangers, and they are very tempted to grasp at anything that promises to tell them ahead of time information about others before they have to go through the risk and effort of actually getting to know the others. Although assuming that all sorts of traits go with categories of people is usually absurd and unfair, many people think they have an early warning radar system so they can avoid people they think would be “unsuitable” for employment, friendships or relationships.

It’s obvious that the person who is pre-judged suffers, but it is less obvious that the person who does that pre-judging suffers also. They are just as cheated out of gaining friends and allies that they otherwise could have had.

The opposite assumption can be just as destructive. People sometimes put themselves into positions of vulnerability without sufficient knowledge just because they are with someone who fits a category they think is “okay.”

The fourth conversation involving MBTI types might seem far-fetched but it carries the same potential for poorly informed and immature people to misuse it as a social filter, a category sorter for making quick judgments about others at a distance. As Linda has explained to me, this is a gross misuse of its intended purpose. The point is not to help divide people with diverse types but to help their diversity to interact better and enrich each other.

The sixteen MBTI types briefly described by the Myers & Briggs Foundation are not intended to contain the unique complexity of any individual personality. I agree with most of the description of my tested type, but hey wait a minute, over there are parts of me that are well described in some other very different types as well. I want some of that written in my little cameo profile also. Underneath those loosely defined and overlapping types are real people with an infinite number of subtle variables that flavor and color the qualities implied by those four capital letters, whichever they may be.

The point I’m making is this: Never assume that someone will be either more suitable or less suitable for you associating with them because of what type they are. Avoid the temptation to “peg” them positively or negatively ahead of time. You have to get to know them and that takes time, effort, risk and maturity. You certainly would want them to give you a fair chance, so be sure that you’re practicing that fairness on your end.

Despite the fact that my personal principles demand that I treat others fairly, I sometimes catch myself making assumptions about others based on some category long before I have gotten to know them. I have to challenge my pre-judging and remind myself to take each individual as an individual.

This does not mean that we must never make decisions about the suitability of others. Using judgment is not the same as passing judgment. It all has to do with whether or not we have gathered enough information to make a fair judgment. Admittedly, there are no hard lines around how much information is enough to be fair, but a single fact about a person’s membership in a category is not likely to be enough.

Is there anyone reading this who would be willing to acknowledge that they have used types to pre-judge others in the past? Has anyone experienced being on the receiving end of such treatment?

Richard Wade

New Direction

I have been doing a lot of thinking about my vision and the direction in which I want to take my new adventure. Everything I have been working toward for the past four years is finally showing signs of life.

It’s time to breathe. It’s time to live. It’s time to give. It’s time to act. It’s time to begin what has been brewing in my mind.

A thought that came to me as I was working on a recent video project was “Everything is connected…”

MBTI is a new passion of mine. I have a very high regard for what it can do as a tool for self-awareness and the awareness of others. However, I don’t want it to become all-consuming, wherein my vision gets blurred.

My number one desire is in bringing people together and sharing more knowledge and understanding. MBTI is a big part, but not all, of what I do. If financial gain comes as a result of it, so be it. If not, my vision will still be intact. I will still be in my corner of the world leaning hard toward the light.

I am taking this blog in a new direction. I suddenly got the idea as I was asking Richard Wade to be a guest author. He said yes! I will be honored for him to stop by whenever he can. I plan on recruiting a few more surprise authors for this blog.

The following is a quick preview of who may be joining us in the future (please say yes, Chuck!):

A friend, Chuck Hillig, from his amazing book, Seeds for the Soul:

"Unless you develop true intimacy with what’s real, then you’ll always be struggling with both your fears and your desires.

But your heart can’t be truly intimate with either fear or desire.

Your heart can only be truly intimate with who you really are."