War on Love Handles

Only if the above picture was what he meant by love handles... I would not be writing this post.

When my husband pointed to my love handles yesterday, it was like getting hit over the head with the "reality" bat. Did he HAVE to be so blunt? I was trying soooooooo hard to remain in my denial. It's bad enough that most of my peers in school are 25 years my junior. I now have to face the middle-age middle-bulge.

Since I've been sitting on my butt for the past several months wrestling with the text books and the keyboard, I have neglected my body. It is finally turning on me. My reflection in the mirror is looking more and more like my mother. I am losing my battle with youth. I can no longer hang onto it with just positive outlook and good genes.

Okay... it seems petty, and it seems vain. But I'm suddenly feeling extremely old and insecure...and about to go into depression. After sobbing to a friend for 3 hours last night and giving myself a pep talk all morning, I've decided that I will not go down without a fight. I would love to say that I'm doing it for my health; but let's face it, we all know that our vanity is the real motivation behind our obsessions with diet and fitness. Call me shallow.

I'm declaring war on my age and, specifically, my thickening middle. Grrrrrrr...

A New Chapter - My 'not-so-secret' Secret

I have a secret shame. Or…shall I say I’ve HAD a secret shame?

But before you jump to conclusions, let me just say that I was raised in a different culture with a different mindset. Some of my friends are puzzled at this shame of mine. They don’t understand why I am so embarrassed by it. But in my family, it is something to be ashamed of. It is what I value the most in life above all else, perhaps even above love (if you can imagine that). Having it means having freedom, in so many ways. And in my immature foolishness, I passed up my first opportunity to get it. Then life happened for about 25 years. I have no complaints, mind you... but there has always been that one source of regret, my secret shame, in the back of my mind.

Then... about six months ago, I asked myself what's preventing me from going after what I've always wanted. I could not come up with one convincing answer. So I challenged myself to go for it.

What is it, you ask? It is… shhhhh… education!

Yes, I became a full-time college student at age f...(uh, never mind…it’s just a dumb number). I’m taking the maximum course load allowed, and my first semester is almost over. I still have to pinch myself every other day to make sure I’m not dreaming. Who would've thought that all I had to do was make up my mind and just do it? I’m like a kid in a candy store thus far, and holding a 4.0 average. Yay! Everybody do the dance!!

If I plan it just right, my daughter and I will be graduating from college at the same time, with my son a few years behind us. Now, if I can just get my husband to sign up for some graduate courses, the whole family could be going to college together. Wouldn’t that be something? A family who gets educated together, goes broke together… something like that… :-)

I'll keep you posted. ;-)

Food for Thought...

Aristotle said:

We must not listen to those who advise us "being men to think human thoughts, and being mortal to think moral thoughts," but must put on immortality as much as is possible and strain every nerve to live according to that best part of us, which, being small in bulk, yet much more in its power and honor surpasses all else.

Fair enough... It is a frame of mind which is very honorable and something to strive for, indeed. I, myself, wish that I could remain in that mindset. But I stray. Do we not all stray?

I am one of those who often point out that "being human is being human." I am not looking for excuses to be complacent or to behave badly. There is another reason. I see other people behaving in ways that I tend to judge as bad, weak, selfish, etc., and I fail to remember that I, too, can be bad, weak, selfish, etc...
In order for me to accept others as they are, I must first accept that I am a fallible human being as well. I may sound like a broken record if I quote Anais Nin yet again (as it is one of my favorite quotes), but it is very appropriate here and so true:

We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.

At the same time, I am the first to point out when something seems out of line. I immediately try to judge whether something is good or bad. But why do we always focus on what is good or bad? What is noble or unworthy? What is right or wrong? Who gets to decide? Yes, I am a Christian and I believe in what Christ has done. But what of those with a different set of beliefs, even within the Christian community? Are they not valuable and worthy human beings? In addition, the judgments are often based on what I see and what I know. But there's so much more of what I don't see and what I don't know. Logic would dictate, then, that my view is very much incomplete.

I find myself falling into my own square trap again and again. Before I know it, I am back in my box staring at the same old boring walls. My ongoing battle is to keep ramming my head through to the other side for another view. It gives the phrase "banging my head against the wall" a totally new meaning, doesn't it? I am forever wishing that others would venture outside of their boxes and try to see things from other angles. Why people are content with what they already see and not interested in seeing more is beyond my understanding. But... perhaps that, too, is just my narrow view.

I'd like to suggest that we look at another side of the idea of "strain[ing] every nerve to live according to that best part of us." Those of us who strive to be a better human being... what does "better" mean? Does the "better" not indicate that we are comparing ourselves to those who are "worse?" We do not see what is behind the eyes of those people we judge.