Parenting w/ good intentions can stifle individuality

I came across this today:

Let us beware and beware and beware...of having an ideal for our children. So doing, we damn them. ~ D.H. Lawrence

The Pygmalion Project, almost unavoidable in mating, is perhaps even more of a temptation in parenting. Most parents believe quite sincerely that their responsibility is to raise their children, to take an active part in guiding them, or perhaps in steering them, on their way to becoming mature adults. Even more than the husband-wife relationship, the parent-child relationship has this serious factor of interpersonal manipulation seemingly built into it, as though part of the job description of Mother or Father. Unfortunately, this hands-on model of parental responsibility -- well-intentioned though it may be -- all too often ends in struggle and rebellion. The truth is that kids of different temperament will develop in entirely different directions, no matter what the parents do to discourage one direction in favor of another. To manipulate growth is a risky business. In our natural zeal to discourage moral weeds from springing up we risk discouraging mental flowers from growing, our parental herbicides killing the good and the bad indiscriminately.

It's an excerpt from Please Understand Me II by David Keirsey.

You can read the rest of the excerpt HERE.

Freedom and Fear of Loneliness

My quest in life is freedom. Being free to think, free to choose, free to learn, free to speak, free to laugh, free to cry, free to love, and free to be this person behind the eyes through which I see the world. Being truly authentic, original and unique is my goal in everything that I do. I make great efforts to achieve this goal (at the cost of often humiliating myself). I have a going joke that I have a ministry called "Fall-down Ministry" where people come to watch me make a fool of myself. I think I'm beginning to get the hang of the falling down (and getting back up). :-)

On the flip side, my greatest fear is loneliness. The likelihood that there will never be another one like me... that ultimately, I am utterly alone in this world... is the fear and dread that plague me.

There's something strangely appealing about conformity. It is the magnetic force that constantly tugs at me, and I am certain it has power over most of us in varying degrees. I wish I could just give in to it and be satisfied. That is the chronic thorn in my side. It would be so much easier just to fall in line with the majority and not be so rebellious. I wish I could just flip the off switch and ride the current.

Perhaps the cost of freedom is separation; and in order to be truly free, we have to be willing to face the loneliness.

(Just in case you were wondering... the image is a photo of "Rebellious Slave" by Michelangelo.)

Simple vs. Complex (S/N)

According to the type theory (MBTI), the Sensing types are said to prefer simple and to-the-point information, and the iNtuitives are said to prefer the complex.

Therein lies my problem of not being able to explain anything simply. My extremely "N" brain is so intertwined around so many ideas and concepts that connect to each other in some way. As soon as someone asks for my opinion and I have a thought, it immediately starts to network with hundreds of other thoughts previously stored, looking for connections. And since I'm a master at finding connections between everything (yes, I think Kevin Bacon lives in my brain)... I need to explore and investigate the connections, how they fit together, and why they fit together... are there any more that I have missed? What other future connections could there be? Could there be possible adverse effects? and if so, how can it be prevented? etc. etc... You get the idea.

And if I'm trying to explain a concept to you, try not to have a puzzled look on your face. In my attempt at simplifying it, I will have to go back to the origin of the very first thought that I started with and try to explain each step that I took in coming to the final conclusion and why.  And most likely, there is no conclusion, because I'm always game for continuation.

To an "S," simplifying may mean a condensed version. But to an "N," simplifying means explaining.

If the N is an Introvert (I), perhaps the explanation will be expressed in a more organized and understandable way. But being an Extravert (E), the explanation usually runs out of my mouth as I'm thinking it through; and yes, I agree... oh what a mess it is sometimes!!

And if all that made sense to you, you get two thumbs up!  Or... shall I explain further? ;-)

NOTE: Some aspects of this post has been exaggerated to get my point across. I'm not always that complicated and scattered. Honest! :)

My Imaginary Friend

I was introduced to twitter by @phdbre in the fall of last year (2008). With the encouragement of @danupoyner, I decided to give it a try.

Including that first post, I've written five posts about twitter and have tried to figure out whether it's a good thing or just a nuisance and a waste of time.

The answers went from "this is stupid" to "this is fantastic" to "everyone's gotta try this" to "why am I losing sleep over this" to "people are doing good things on here" to "I know I can find a way to make this work" to "I am really bored with this" and so on...

I think I have finally figured it out (for now :-)). In the beginning, I felt pressured to always say things that are insightful, profound, or hilarious. I thought being noticed by others was the goal of twitter, and perhaps it is for some people. I found myself pressuring myself to post things that would be worth a second look by the readers. Getting people to reply back to me became the carrot that kept me searching endlessly for something brilliant or funny to say (and increasingly feeling incompetent.)

Just like anything else that I start with good intentions, I became disillusioned and bored with the whole thing (this, by the way, is a common trait among ENTPs). I hoped I could find a great use for twitter and make a difference in people's lives. But that was exactly the problem. Meeting the impossible standard I set for myself depended largely on other people responding to me. The more I looked for attention and approval, the less I could be myself. So I mostly stayed away and almost deleted my account but chose not to because of the few inspiring (and real) people whom I follow.

Then, a few days ago, I realized that perhaps the only thing I need to do, ever... is just be myself. If something profound gets said, let it be spontaneous. If I should be judged for saying something less than brilliant, less than uber friendly, less than hilarious, or downright stupid... that should not be my concern.

I began throwing my random thoughts onto the rectangular canvas at the top of my twitter page and observing how they land... no restrictions or fear of judgment. I no longer hover my mouse over the "update" button wondering if my words are worthy to post. Twitter finally feels like a friend. It can be my thinking-out-loud space. And I'm choosing to look at any replies merely as thoughts bouncing back at me. I just bounce them back with no expectations. This seems to be working (for now.) :-)

There's something strangely freeing about releasing all the personal attachment and feelings connected to something and letting go of expectations. The anxiety lifts, and I am not afraid to be me.

UPDATE: I WAS WRONG! HERE and HERE for the latest.

"El Sistema" being launched in the U.S.

I believe in the power of music and art. I saw the following story on 60 Minutes in April 2008 (it's about 13 minutes). It made my heart swell with pride at what Dr. Jose Abreu has done for the children of Venezuela. This is the type of story that makes me say out loud, "There's hope for us yet."




Feast your senses on a product of his passion (Performed live for TED 2009 - Keep in mind these are high school kids!! Amazing! Video is about 17 min.):



Then earlier this year, he received the TED Prize and requested help in bringing his program to the U.S. and other countries. My new hero! (video is about 17 min.)



This is what he says starting at minute-mark 14:53:

We hope that TED can contribute in a full and fundamental way to the building of the new era in the teaching of music, in which the social, communal, spiritual, and vindicatory aims of the child and the adolescent become a beacon and a goal for a vast social mission - No longer putting society at the service of art,
and much less at the service of monopolies of the elite,
but instead art at the service of society,
at the service of the weakest,
at the service of the children,
at the service of the vulnerable,
and at the service of all those who cry for the vindication through the spirit of their human condition and the raising up of their dignity.

I found out today that the program is being launched at the New England Conservatory of Music in Boston.

More info about the program: El Sistema USA.
You can support a fellow or become a fellow through that site.

Bravo, TED!! I hope with all my heart the program is successful.

What Did I Do?

Wouldn't it be nice if everyone in social situations were required to fill out an evaluation survey before they suddenly stop calling or showing up? For me, it's not so much about the specific people, but knowing the what, why, and how.

EXIT SURVEY

1. What, if anything, did I/we do or say to upset/offend you?
   
2. Why did you choose the exit option instead of speaking up?
3. How, in your opinion, can I/we prevent upsetting future visitors?
   
4. Would you be willing to consider the possibility that you misunderstood the situation, statement, etc.?
   
5. What, if any, were some of the positive aspects of your visit?
   
6. If you were me, how would you assess the situation?
   
7. You may exit now... thank you for visiting and have a nice life!