Making Friends with the Fear of Humiliation

I've been in school for a year and a half now, and it seems the more I learn, the less I know. What's that song?--the one that goes:

I say hey I'll be gone today
But I'll be back all around the way
It seems like everywhere I go
The more I see
The less I know

Well...that's how I feel about my brain and its ability to retain anything. One time, a good friend asked me, "If you could do one thing all the time for the rest of your life, what would it be?" and I answered that I would love to write for the rest of my life. But that's before I knew just how revealing one's writing is about one's knowledge, maturity, and intelligence. (...or lack thereof.)

Karen Horney (pronounced Horn-eye) (1885-1952) was a German psychologist who believed that we have three different selves--the Real Self, the Despised Self, and the Ideal Self. The Real Self is the inner core of our personalities, the real and healthy self. The Despised Self describes our perceived inadequacies amplified by our perception of how others evaluate us. The Ideal Self, then, is our version of perfection that we continuously strive toward in order to compensate for the inferior feelings of the Despised Self.

She also believed that the purpose and goal of psychoanalysis should not be to help someone get closer to their Ideal Self but to help him/her to fully accept his/her Real Self.

I was raised by my grandmother from age one to five in her attempts to help out my mother. Although this was not an uncommon occurrence in Korea at the time--meaning my situation is not at all unusual--I struggled with rejection, both real and imagined, when I rejoined my parents and two siblings. It makes sense, then, that I have always battled with my Despised Self and still fight it on a daily basis.

But how do you even begin to unravel the web that has been twisted and knotted so tightly that the original thread is no longer discernible? No. I cannot fathom it. Besides, I think the twists and knots are rather interesting, even beautiful in a puppy-so-ugly-that-it's-cute sort of way. It's mind-boggling to think that I have to somehow get underneath all that to see what's supposed to be real.

Instead, I'd rather step back, look at the knotted mess as an intricate and necessary part of this "Real Self," and continue knitting my own unique bumpy and ugly sweater with it. If nothing else, it will keep me humble. N'est pas?

Anyway, writing is still one of my passions. But I suspect that it will never measure up to my own standards, regardless of how educated I become. I cringe today at what I wrote yesterday, and I will cringe tomorrow at what I wrote today. I will always be terrified of what others will think of it. I guess that feeling of "not good enough" extends into everything I do.

But instead of attempting to eliminate the fear, I just make friends with it and take away its power. Fear of humiliation never stops me from throwing myself on stage again and again (and coming home crying with mental tomato stains.) ...But there's always a tomorrow to do it again (and again). ...And according to Shakespeare, "all the world's a stage!" Ha! ;)


Image: http://vi.sualize.us/view/beuchampniven/034e863a325dea9ba9d6dd8613ce415d/

Sky's the Limit

Soft pastel on black paper

Rethinking the MBTI

I have not written anything about the MBTI in quite a while, but I've been thinking about an interesting question lately.

Do we perceive our MBTI preferences in comparison to the people around us? For example, I grew up in a family full of Js. And my husband is the king of all Js. Therefore, I, who may or may not be a P at all, tend to see my own behaviors as extremely P-like in comparison to them.

Let's take one of the questions on the assessment: "Does following a schedule A) appeal to you or B) cramp you?"

Except for those who find themselves at either extreme, I tend to think most people would answer according to how they compare with other people around them. In my case, I have been choosing B as my answer, because I have always come up short against my husband's militaristic routines. But as I've been dealing with a few absent-minded professors and way-too-laid-back team members on class projects as of late, I would likely choose A as my answer if I were to take the assessment today.

To put it simply, it's like this: I am tall and plump when I'm with my Asian friends but short and thin when I'm with my American friends.

MBTI can be an excellent tool and a great starting point for us to explore how we think and behave, but I'm beginning to have some reservations about the four letters that we assign ourselves. To me, they are just too restricting. I think my true MBTI type is EISNTFJP and any combination thereof.

Perhaps we can only see ourselves in relationship to the others who surround us. And, of course, that can and does change.

Back to the original plan

My art exploration semester is almost over, and I'm getting ready to dive into the books again. boo...

I would love to continue foo-farting around with my quasi-talent that may or may not improve with time. There's still so much I have not tried, such as painting, watercolor, ceramics, and sculpting. If I had discovered that making art is my passion, I could justify wasting more time to explore. But that's not at all the case. Perhaps I could come back to it when I'm in need of a hobby. But for now, I need to move on...get back on track.

The workaholic in me is anxious to get this show on the road toward something more practical. So... I signed up for a full load in the summer and again in the fall. I'm hoping to finish my BA by the end of 2011.

Oh... and remember when I said I would only post original images from now on? I take that back. I change my mind. I've decided I don't need to put myself under strict guidelines. The rest of the world gives me enough of that already. Sometimes I'm better at finding what fits instead of coming up with original stuff. Hey, we all have to know our limitations, right? There's nothing wrong with taking short-cuts when I need to. Whew! That's a load off my mind!

I was torn about the art thing up until just now, but now I feel so much better!

Onward!

Yay! :-)

UPDATE: Umm... yes, you guessed it. I'm rethinking my plans again. Gosh, this just seems like my last chance to get it right, and at the end of this journey, I don't wanna be "should-ing" all over myself (to steal someone else's clever phrase).

I know I'm putting myself in danger of looking very flaky when I share so much of my indecisive pacing back and forth in my head, but this is MY space. I will have no shame in showing my uber-flaky, fruit-cake-y, scatter-brainy, wishy-washy, and cringe-worthy side!

To make long story short, I am reconsidering the art thing, along with the psychology thing, which will perhaps turn into an Art Therapy thing... Then I will have the best of both worlds AND also be able to somehow make a difference in other people's lives, which, contrary to what I thought, is more important to me than anything else. Funny...as I write those very words in this moment, they became more true than ever before.

Entre Vous...

I took this shot at the park the other day. Doesn't this look like an entry way into a fairy tale?

Illustration Project

Old nursery rhyme revisited:

Illustrator + Photoshop + InDesign.

I added the second verse. What do you think? :)

Chalk it up to spring...

Experimenting with chalk pastels in Drawing I class:

Spring


Balancing Act


Forest

Don't let it drop...

Class project: Create a magazine ad. Photoshop + Illustrator.

It's all about me me me!

Class project. Collage about self. Photoshop + Illustrator.

Many shades of Carl Jung

Class project. Adobe Illustrator CS4.

Tenacity

This is my hero: A cherry tree in our front yard with that bag gash in its trunk.

Sprezzatura

It is becoming increasingly difficult to keep up with the blog. I have considered deleting the account many times, but I just can't bring myself to do it for whatever reason. I think it's because there's so much of me contained herein... because I try to be more honest here than anywhere else. I need not follow any rules here - grammatical, social, or otherwise (unless I want to). ;)

Here's the latest drawing I did of a painting by Raphael. I used pencil, compressed charcoal, and some pastels. It's a portrait of Baldassare Castiglione. Castiglione wrote The Book of the Courtier, in which he coined the Italian word "sprezzatura," meaning "effortless grace." It is the ability to perform difficult actions with the appearance of ease and nonchalance. The opposite of sprezzatura is affectation.

This word has been on my mind for the last few weeks. Sprezzatura requires years of practice so that the act becomes almost a second nature. I find it ironic that it also seems to require many years of soul searching and loads of courage, even lots of practice, to know and display what is our true nature - who we really are underneath all the accumulated muck and lies. hmm...

BTW, it took me what seemed like forever to finish the drawing for our final project. I don't think I would be drawing another portrait anytime soon...

Grass looks greener on the other blogs

I don't know what it is lately, but I've been discovering so many talented and creative people who write blogs. No, I'm not looking for them, but I somehow end up at their sites and drool over their creativity, which seems far superior to mine.

Having been inspired by the originality and genuineness displayed by these sites I've visited, I've made one decision about mine: I will do my best to use my own images for all of my posts from here on out (except, of course, when the post calls for other specific images).

Let's see how that goes...

:-)

Art and Personality

In class, we were introduced to the works of two contemporary glass artists, both amazing and fascinating in their unique styles:

Dale Chihuly

And
Josiah McElheny



In addition to the above images, you can learn more about them here and here.

Although they both work with glass, I am floored by how night-and-day their styles are. We watched the videos of their interviews and listend to their creative process, and I could not help but think about personalities as they relate to art -- not only in the way we create art, but also our preferences in the way we appreciate art.

Please enlighten me if I'm repeating what someone else has already said... but I really think we can know a lot about the unspoken and hidden facets of our personalities through art. Sometimes we are shocked to discover things even in ourselves that we had not realized. Or is it just me? I understand that how we project ourselves outward says a lot about us, but how and what we perceive inward may say even more. In other words, what we take in is just as much an indicator of our personality as what comes out of us as expressions and behaviors. To put it yet another way, perhaps what we choose (or prefer) to receive from the world and people is even more telling than what we choose to give. Whew! I feel like I'm always stumbling over my words trying to describe my thoughts...

One thing that I did newly discover is that although I have some hint of talent (ok. I'll stop denying it and finally admit it), making original art is not where my true talent lies. I am, however, an avid observer and appreciator of art. I passionately love soaking in other people's work, their expressions. I seek to find ways to bring that experience to others who may not get the chance to experience it otherwise. That must be why I enjoy the "making-of" documentaries even more so than seeing the work itself, whether it be 2D, 3D, video, audio, or literary. I love to study the who, what, when, where, and, especially, how and why.

Do you think that's an Introverted trait? More and more lately, I think I'm more of an "I" rather than an "E". Or am I an introverted "E"? Or an "I" who has to think out loud? This preference pair always stumped me. hmm...

Anyway, I wanted to share with you some thoughts from other thinkers about art:

In order correctly to define art, it is necessary, first of all, to cease to consider it as a means to pleasure and to consider it as one of the conditions of human life. Viewing it in this way we cannot fail to observe that art is one of the means of intercourse between man and man. ~ in "What is Art" by Leo Tolstoy.

I'll have to go back and re-read that essay (which I only quickly skimmed about a year ago) more carefully.

Also, after writing this post, I have a renewed appreciation for the following quote that I've always loved because of its depth (although I'm not about to go and read "In Search of Lost Time" anytime soon):

:-)

Our vanity, our passions, our spirit of imitation, our abstract intelligence, our habits have long been at work, and it is the task of art to undo this work of theirs, making us travel back in the direction from which we have come to the depths where what has really existed lies unknown within us. ~ Marcel Proust

Fear of Art?

It's been two weeks since my new "art" semester started, and I am filled with apprehension and fear.

Not having done any sort of sketching in over 25 years (last time was in high school), trying to relax and enjoy this little detour is excruciatingly difficult. When did I pick up this habit of pouring all of my energy into every little thing I do?

When I look at my drawings, I only see flaws... I am so critical of my own work. I fear that I will be found out as a fraud - someone only pretending to be artistic - to match my ongoing fear of being found out that I'm a lousy writer after all.

But in a way, the fear keeps me going. I fear things but I'm also drawn to do what I fear (exploring the unknown, etc.) Besides, what fun would anything be if I knew for certain that I am good at it?

Well, anyway, here are a few things I've done this week:

The next one is my very first digital drawing I did in my computer graphics class. Adobe Illustrator is awesome!

Image of papaya: http://www.thedailygreen.com/healthy-eating/eat-safe/Save-on-Sustainable-Gallery-44032808

Slight Detour

So... I've decided to give myself an awesome treat.

I'm putting psychology on hold for one semester and pretending to be an art major. Why? - BECAUSE I CAN!! :)

Believe me, it took a lot-- I mean, A LOT --of self-talk and coaxing to allow myself to take this detour. I am at my best when I'm coming up with ideas and being creative, regardless of the subject. In every single one of my classes thus far, what I enjoyed the most on any project were the creative process and the artistic aspect. Last semester, when I was drawing some bacteria in my lab book, I remembered how much I used to enjoy drawing when I was in high school, and I decided that I will definitely take an art class in the semester coming up.

But have you ever known me to just stick my toes in something? NOT! I have to jump in head first and swim for my life with everything I've got. So while I was revising my academic plan a hundred times before registration, one art class turned into two, and two turned into four. Eventually, I decided to fully explore the right side of my brain and really find out what kind of an artist I am before going back to psychology. Who knows? Maybe I will end up changing my major when I get to the university in the fall. Graphic design sounds like an interesting option.

After the first week of class, here I sit wondering if I am being too indulgent. And also scared...at the possibility of finding out that I have less than impressive creative talent.

I have to keep reminding myself to take a deep breath and be in the moment. As a good friend always tells me, nothing I learn will be wasted, no matter the subject.

Back to (ab)normal

Ahhhhhhh~

That's the sound of my exhaling. The holidays are over, except for the way-too-large-for-the-room fake tree that everyone dreads de-ornamenting (ugh! don't get me started on how much sense this odd annual ritual makes). But the un-doing of the red and green sparkly hell is somehow not as stress-ridden, so I have basically calmed down to a low growl toward the direction of the empty boxes patiently waiting to be filled and banished for another 11 months.

Life is almost back to normal. the normal abnormal.

Onward with 2010! :)

Image

Can I choose NOT to be merry?

November and December are my least favorite months of the year. I start getting into my grumpy mood about the second week in November and don't come out of it until after January.

Perhaps it has something to do with the cold weather. But it's more likely that I become too overwhelmed with the pressures and obligations surrounding the holidays. There are just too many parties, gatherings, collections for the needy, family obligations, hours spent in traffic, and shopping for useless gifts.

I know I get this way every year... and it's getting worse.

You must give, you must love, you must socialize, you must be cheerful, and you MUST ENJOY EVERY MINUTE OF IT... or else! Or else? Yes... or else you are seen as a Scrooge and frowned upon. Or else you are a social misfit. Or else you will live a miserable life then shrivel up and die alone. Oh, really?

When? When did this unwritten social law go into effect?

And that's why I rebel against it. Not because I don't want to give, love, or socialize... but because I don't like anyone else telling me how, when, and whom to love. I don't feel like I have a choice in the matter during the holidays. What happened to our freedom to choose?

Maybe I'll start decorating a cherry tree in April and giving random gifts in August just to throw people off. Hmm...

It's a bad attitude, I know. Shame on me for not enjoying such a joyous time of the year. Is it just me? ;-)

Popularity at what cost?

There is so much talk about the shocking performances at the AMA last night, such as that of Adam Lambert.

It is no shocking revelation that artists will always push the limits and force us out of our comfort zone. That's the beauty and the gift of art. But when does it cross the line? Where is that fine line when art becomes lost in the heap of I-dare-you-to-judge-me stunts? Don't get me wrong... I am not judging the content of the performance. I'm just wondering about the motivation behind it.

This makes me wonder if we, as social animals, all end up selling ourselves short for the cheap thrill of receiving momentary attention and/or admiration? Do we begin to lose our true selves in order to continue pleasing the audience?

If we succumb to the pressure of keeping our fans and constantly having to one-up ourselves, where is the freedom in that?

If freedom of expression is used as a crutch merely to shock people, where is the art in that?

Is it possible to rise above this dreaded addiction to attention? As I sit back and criticize others, I have to admit I often feel it too (the need to dare them, to please them, to prove a point to them... whatever it is, it can easily become a trap and a prison).

Am I showing my age with this view? Am I just not keeping up with what's current? Am I the one who's just not getting it?

Update: I had to revise some of my unfair and harsh statements I had previously written. I apologize if you saw them before the revision. :)

Is Religion Selfish?: My thoughts after watching "To Verdener" ["Worlds Apart"]

self⋅ish

  –adjective

1.	devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.

2.	characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself: selfish motives. (Dictionary.com)

I’ve come down with a cold, which gave me an excuse to mope around in front of the TV and get a chance to flip through the recorded movies on our DVR (we record random foreign movies that look interesting), and I stumbled upon a thought-provoking movie.

The movie is based on a true story about a 17-year-old girl struggling to deal with the clashing viewpoints between her faith and the realities of the world around her. She has a loving family and is deeply devoted to her church until she meets and falls in love with a boy who does not share her beliefs, at which time she begins to question the ideas which she had previously blindly accepted. She is then rejected by the church and also by her family, who essentially has no choice if they are to remain in their faith. She tries fervently to maintain her relationship with them, but to no avail.

In the final scene, she is confronted by her father after she has made an unwelcome appearance at the funeral of an old friend. I cannot remember the exact wording in the dialogue, but it went something like this:

Father: It was selfish of you to have come. Don’t you know it’s painful for us to see you?

Sara: Dad? Do you love me?

Father: What kind of question is that? Of course I love you very much.

Sara: Do you love God more than me?

Father: Yes… I do.

Sara: Why?

Father: Because he’s my father in heaven. Because he created me. Because he promises me an everlasting life…

Sara: Dad, you are the one who is selfish.

She then walks away.

It’s a powerful statement and one that is worth pondering.

(Side note: The religion in question is Jehovah’s Witness… but I intentionally did not mention it above, because it may then be shrugged off as a story about cults. But it’s more than that. I think the message can be applied to any dogmatic belief system, religion or otherwise, wherein we can lose sight of what’s right in front of us in our attempts to chase the rainbow.)

(Check out the Danish movie, Worlds Apart, if you get a chance.)

Normally Abnormal

This is turning out to be a fun place for me to just pop in for a few minutes to get my mind off of other things... like writing a paper.

I've been attempting to write a psych term paper all day, which I should have started a month ago and finished by now. During the course of this day of report-writing frenzy, I've written three posts (this makes it four) on this blog, wrote two long comments on other blogs, and created urgent needs to make two emergency shopping trips, one of which was to go buy a 6-pound medicine ball. Why? Because I felt the sudden urge to play catch with it, that's why! Sheesh! The way you're shaking your head, one would think it's not something EVERYONE does in the middle of doing homework. What? No? hmm...

Anyway, I think I have some ADD symptoms. But doesn't everybody to a degree?

I have finally managed to force myself to finish the first draft, and we'll see if I can somehow come up with a final draft by tomorrow.

Honestly, sometimes I have to roll my eyes at myself...

Image: http://thegazz.com/gblogs/karinfuller/2008/01/13/structured-procrastination/

"Please Don't Label Me" bus campaign

This is a bus campaign recently launched by the British Humanist Association. Many Christians are outraged by such ads. I have had mixed feelings about previous bus ads and billboards being promoted by various secular and humanist groups.

I have to say, though, this one is clearly not an anti-Christian or pro-atheist message.

I like it. Okay? So go ahead... Beat me over the head with a Bible.

Wrong on every level

The following story was recently posted on the Christian Science Monitor site.

May I just say that it's just plain wrong and puts another bitter taste in my mouth for religion in general? Pe---tui!! (Read for yourselves.)

Biblical anti-Obama slogan: Use of Psalm 109:8 funny or sinister? | csmonitor.com

Outcast by Choice

I often find myself in a group or a place where I feel like an outcast. I somehow end up being the odd person out whenever I'm sitting in the classroom, among friends, in church, neighborhood functions, other social gatherings, etc.... Throughout my life, I had assumed this is because either I was flawed or the group was flawed. Or simply blame it on my minority status, which is the easiest way to get out of thinking too hard... and a cop-out.

What I have recently discovered was that I often seem to choose to be the outcast. A part of me does not want to belong to a larger group. I rather enjoy being an enigma most of the time. I don't like being influenced by other's views and I like to see things for myself and make up my own mind about everything. That's why I end up doing things that people warn me against and also refuse to do the things they say I must do. ...unless I have coincidentally decided on my own that I will or will not do those things. If there is one view, I come up with an opposing view. If there are two opposing views, I come up with a third view. If a third view is already presented, then I try to think of a whole new perspective... and so on. It can be very annoying, I know. ;-) However, I'm not afraid to admit I'm wrong when it's pointed out to me or change my mind in the middle of an argument.

But back to the point of being an outcast... When I start to feel like I'm being too immersed in a group, I start to feel uncomfortable. I think it's the discomfort of blending with others that I dislike more so than the awkwardness of being the oddball. I end up seeking out other groups, views, and ideas. Hmm... perhaps this is a commitment issue? I don't think so, but worth exploring at another time (mental note).

Yes, I do take freethinking to the extreme sometimes and end up with my face in the dirt. But hey, I'd rather have a dirty face than a face made on the assembly line.

Is it bad? Is it just me? ;-)

I have no time for incompetence

If you've landed here via psychology.alltop.com, I apologize. This blog should not be listed there. I just want it said that I've asked for it to be removed from the list (but why is it still there?). I have no qualifications to talk about psychology other than the fact that I am a student of psychology and love to observe and contemplate human behavior in myself and others. Honestly, I was put there by mistake. I'm not an expert on the subject nor do I pretend to be, which brings me to my next point...

Please don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to be judgmental in what I'm about to say. I make a huge effort not to judge people (this is very important to me), but I cannot help but judge their performance. I'm just trying to be honest.

Those who know me understand that it's one of my pet peeves -- people pretending to be something they are not. Incompetent people should not pretend to be competent. Unqualified people should not pretend to be qualified. There should be a direct correlation between effort and reward. If recognition is given, it should be deserved. And if it is deserved, it should be given.

Service providers who charge high-quality prices with mediocre or inferior service? That annoys me to no end. Customers who are too stupid to notice or too "nice" to speak up, allowing them to continue in the same way? That annoys me even more. Pacifists who frown upon others for their honest critique? That downright infuriates me.

That's why I've always felt uncomfortable when people describe me as "nice." That's another thing that close friends know about me. I'm not that nice. Sometimes I can even be cold and uncaring in trying to tell the truth. I'll lend you my shoulders (to a point) for your sob stories...sure. But don't let those sob stories interfere with your work or use them as an excuse for poor performance. If you can't keep up, remove yourself from the job and let someone else more competent take your spot. No hard feelings.

I'll only put up with it for one reason and one reason only -- if you have creative talent that surpasses your pain-in-the-ass-ness.

Is that bad? Is it just me?

(UPDATE: Yep... I was in one of my moods when I wrote this... oh well.)

Image: http://www.theodoresworld.net/archives/2009/07/judges_dont_belong_on_the_batt.html