Normally Abnormal

This is turning out to be a fun place for me to just pop in for a few minutes to get my mind off of other things... like writing a paper.

I've been attempting to write a psych term paper all day, which I should have started a month ago and finished by now. During the course of this day of report-writing frenzy, I've written three posts (this makes it four) on this blog, wrote two long comments on other blogs, and created urgent needs to make two emergency shopping trips, one of which was to go buy a 6-pound medicine ball. Why? Because I felt the sudden urge to play catch with it, that's why! Sheesh! The way you're shaking your head, one would think it's not something EVERYONE does in the middle of doing homework. What? No? hmm...

Anyway, I think I have some ADD symptoms. But doesn't everybody to a degree?

I have finally managed to force myself to finish the first draft, and we'll see if I can somehow come up with a final draft by tomorrow.

Honestly, sometimes I have to roll my eyes at myself...

Image: http://thegazz.com/gblogs/karinfuller/2008/01/13/structured-procrastination/

"Please Don't Label Me" bus campaign

This is a bus campaign recently launched by the British Humanist Association. Many Christians are outraged by such ads. I have had mixed feelings about previous bus ads and billboards being promoted by various secular and humanist groups.

I have to say, though, this one is clearly not an anti-Christian or pro-atheist message.

I like it. Okay? So go ahead... Beat me over the head with a Bible.

Wrong on every level

The following story was recently posted on the Christian Science Monitor site.

May I just say that it's just plain wrong and puts another bitter taste in my mouth for religion in general? Pe---tui!! (Read for yourselves.)

Biblical anti-Obama slogan: Use of Psalm 109:8 funny or sinister? | csmonitor.com

Outcast by Choice

I often find myself in a group or a place where I feel like an outcast. I somehow end up being the odd person out whenever I'm sitting in the classroom, among friends, in church, neighborhood functions, other social gatherings, etc.... Throughout my life, I had assumed this is because either I was flawed or the group was flawed. Or simply blame it on my minority status, which is the easiest way to get out of thinking too hard... and a cop-out.

What I have recently discovered was that I often seem to choose to be the outcast. A part of me does not want to belong to a larger group. I rather enjoy being an enigma most of the time. I don't like being influenced by other's views and I like to see things for myself and make up my own mind about everything. That's why I end up doing things that people warn me against and also refuse to do the things they say I must do. ...unless I have coincidentally decided on my own that I will or will not do those things. If there is one view, I come up with an opposing view. If there are two opposing views, I come up with a third view. If a third view is already presented, then I try to think of a whole new perspective... and so on. It can be very annoying, I know. ;-) However, I'm not afraid to admit I'm wrong when it's pointed out to me or change my mind in the middle of an argument.

But back to the point of being an outcast... When I start to feel like I'm being too immersed in a group, I start to feel uncomfortable. I think it's the discomfort of blending with others that I dislike more so than the awkwardness of being the oddball. I end up seeking out other groups, views, and ideas. Hmm... perhaps this is a commitment issue? I don't think so, but worth exploring at another time (mental note).

Yes, I do take freethinking to the extreme sometimes and end up with my face in the dirt. But hey, I'd rather have a dirty face than a face made on the assembly line.

Is it bad? Is it just me? ;-)

I have no time for incompetence

If you've landed here via psychology.alltop.com, I apologize. This blog should not be listed there. I just want it said that I've asked for it to be removed from the list (but why is it still there?). I have no qualifications to talk about psychology other than the fact that I am a student of psychology and love to observe and contemplate human behavior in myself and others. Honestly, I was put there by mistake. I'm not an expert on the subject nor do I pretend to be, which brings me to my next point...

Please don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to be judgmental in what I'm about to say. I make a huge effort not to judge people (this is very important to me), but I cannot help but judge their performance. I'm just trying to be honest.

Those who know me understand that it's one of my pet peeves -- people pretending to be something they are not. Incompetent people should not pretend to be competent. Unqualified people should not pretend to be qualified. There should be a direct correlation between effort and reward. If recognition is given, it should be deserved. And if it is deserved, it should be given.

Service providers who charge high-quality prices with mediocre or inferior service? That annoys me to no end. Customers who are too stupid to notice or too "nice" to speak up, allowing them to continue in the same way? That annoys me even more. Pacifists who frown upon others for their honest critique? That downright infuriates me.

That's why I've always felt uncomfortable when people describe me as "nice." That's another thing that close friends know about me. I'm not that nice. Sometimes I can even be cold and uncaring in trying to tell the truth. I'll lend you my shoulders (to a point) for your sob stories...sure. But don't let those sob stories interfere with your work or use them as an excuse for poor performance. If you can't keep up, remove yourself from the job and let someone else more competent take your spot. No hard feelings.

I'll only put up with it for one reason and one reason only -- if you have creative talent that surpasses your pain-in-the-ass-ness.

Is that bad? Is it just me?

(UPDATE: Yep... I was in one of my moods when I wrote this... oh well.)

Image: http://www.theodoresworld.net/archives/2009/07/judges_dont_belong_on_the_batt.html

The "Golden Rule" in practice

Now... this is what I'm talking about. I could not agree more. However, putting ourselves in the other person's mindset... I mean, trying to really THINK like they think, see exactly what they see... has to be the hardest thing to achieve. I'm not sure if I agree with the part about the terrorists, though. That also involves religion, which messes up all logical thinking and complicates things at a whole new level. Anyway, his thoughts are very much worth pondering:

What is higher education?

Okay... the image is an inside joke, representing Professor Teeth. Don't ask. Anyway, on with the rant.

During class, I often have so many questions and so many thoughts about what is being presented. I always want to explore other perspectives... other points of view. Even if I agree... and especially if I agree strongly. Two weeks ago, I posed a question to my history professor via email about a passionate lecture he gave... but it was not well received. Obviously, he knows much more about the subject being taught than myself. My only goal is to learn to think better. I was not looking to challenge him. I was looking for some bouncing back and forth of thoughts. But a professor who doesn't want to discuss another possible point of view with a student? Hmm...

The psychology class is another doozy. There is just so much material to be covered, and the information gets presented from the text book as if that is the way it is. The professor is willing to listen to questions, but there is a tight agenda for each class and, as a matter of fact, for the whole semester, and serious discussion is not possible.

Then there are the classes where we spend hours upon hours to write a paper, and it sits in the professor's inbox for weeks on end or we get it back with a letter grade and very little feedback. What meaning does a 4.0 GPA have when there is no satisfaction of having grown and matured in my thinking?

In each class, we are told that we should think critically. Yet there is not enough allowance (in time or attitude) for discussion or any serious questions to explore another view. I started college for the opportunity to think with other thinkers. But instead, I'm just getting more high school at an accelerated speed. Perhaps this will change when I get to the university? when I get into upper level classes...?

Is it just me?

Free at Last!!

Yay! I deleted my twitter account, and now I can think freely on here (sort of).

Let's try... Hmm... yeah.

Hmmmmm...... oooh yeah.

HMMMMMMMM..... Ahhh~

Ciao for now!

Image: http://us.sanyo.com/Think-GAIA

Oh, twitter... you annoy me so.

Ok... that's it. Somewhere in the internet world, there is an RSS fairy who keeps sending the feed from this blog to my twitter account. I have no idea how to get the darn application to stop sending them. Twitterfeed doesn't even have it on the feed list. Argh.... I no longer want to advertise every rant I write by having it show up as a tweet. Whatever happened to the old days when people just accidentally stumbled upon my site? I find self-promotion extremely uncomfortable, especially when I don't have much to say that's worthy of attention. That's what twitter was starting to feel like, thus my absence. Oh, twitter. What do I do with you? Delete or not to delete the account?

And this. What do I do with this blog? It served me well as a place to vent my thoughts for a while, but...

but... yeah. Exactly... hmm...

As I publish this second blog post of the day, it [blogging] just seems to have lost the appeal. I tried very hard to find some remaining spark, but I'm coming up with nothing.

Perhaps I'll be back someday.

You can't say that I didn't give it my best...

Reward without effort

Today I'm wondering if there is any value in receiving an award if there was not much effort put into the achievement.

There was an award ceremony yesterday at the high school. My son is an honor roll student who gets his grades with little or no effort (a concern of mine, but back to the point...) It did not mean much to him that there was such a ceremony and, therefore, shrugged it off as not important. Contrary to what other parents may think, my husband and I agree with our kids and do not push them to attend the events if they are not particularly proud of their accomplishments.

On the other hand, when he worked hard at memorizing his lines for a dramatic performance and put every effort into researching and practicing his part, he was extremely proud of his work and ecstatic about the praise and the attention he received.

Call me old-fashioned or even cold-hearted... but honestly, should kids be constantly rewarded for their innate abilities or skills without putting in any extra effort? I agree that encouragement is always important, but there is a clear difference between encouragement and under-deserved reward. Shouldn't the "C" that was received after hard work be more deserving than the "A" which came easily? In addition, do our kids really need to be showered with medals and trophies at every turn and have all their material wishes granted on every holiday? Shouldn't exceptional rewards follow truly exceptional efforts?

I don't know... I could be missing something, but it just doesn't make sense to me...

Quentin Tarantino, I know what you mean...

In this week's "The Week" magazine, Quentin Tarantino is quoted as saying:

"When I'm doing a movie, I'm not doing anything else. It's all about the movie. Nothing can get in my way. The whole world can go to hell and burst into flames. I don't care. If you're climbing Mount Everest, you're not doing anything else. All your concerns, all the mundane things, family, any of that, it just--pfft--disappears."

I know EXACTLY what he means by that, because I have that same trait. And it doesn't seem to be a choice. The project, whatever I'm working on, becomes my whole world and nothing else exists for the duration. I end up feeling like I'm short-changing my family, but I can't seem to help myself. It's good to know that there are others.

Addressing the Wrong Issue - Is it really about race?

The above statement by President Obama opened up the floodgates of criticism, as well as support, about whether he should have even gotten involved. Some say that racial profiling in America is an issue that needs to be brought up and discussed. But was this incident really about race?


Here's a slightly different view:

"My suspicion is that this was not about race, this was about power," said Richard Weinblatt, director of the Institute for Public Safety at Central Ohio Technical College. "In the old days, we used to call this 'contempt of cop.' This person was charged with 'contempt of cop' because they kept pushing and pushing. But it has opened up a very powerful national dialogue on race, and it's something that police need to address." ~ from a Washington Post article

If the issue is about power, then why are we not talking about power instead of race? I totally agree with the statement that power and class division are the bigger issues here.

Could the situation possibly be seen from the following perspective?:

a) a highly educated and respected professor refusing to succumb to what could be interpreted as undue authority imposed on him by less educated police officer

in direct conflict with

b) a highly respected and experienced law enforcement officer given the power to make arrests at his discretion feeling disrespected by what could be interpreted as academic and, possibly, upper-class arrogance

Perhaps race did play a role, but I don't think it was the main issue at all. I just think that the "race card" is grossly overplayed in this country. It's so much easier to blame it on racism than to look at a more complex problem that would put all of us under one umbrella.

Working through the heaviness

I woke up with something heavy in the pit of my stomach. It wanted some attention, so I ventured.

I guess it must come from suddenly feeling disconnected from the world as I knew it. I wondered when was the last time I got together with my girlfriends just to laugh? When was the last time I called my sister or my mom just to talk? When was the last time I saw my church family? When was the last time I went shopping for something other than food? When was the last time I cooked a meal from scratch? When was the last time I went to the theater? When was the last time I saw the ocean?

Two semesters ago, I have jumped in head first into this college endeavor of mine, and I have not looked back. With a maximum course load, together with my annoying need to overachieve in everything, I go to bed thinking about my assignments and wake up thinking about my assignments. Do I even have the capability of half-assing anything? I don't even know what that means.

I often jolt to a waking state in a panic, thinking that I have overslept and missed a class... only to find that I still have plenty of time.

I am struggling to keep my priorities in order, that being that I am a mother first, wife second, and a student third. The third seems to repeatedly come up as first; and although my family understands and fully supports me, I'm left wondering if I'm being unfair to them. But, miraculously, we are still managing through it as one unit.

That leads me to the rest of the people and things that are being neglected. I do have an obsessive-compulsive streak in the way I jump into things, and I'm known to get tunnel vision when I am focused on a project/mission. But this has to be, by far, the most I have become detached from life outside of my immediate world.

I know that keeping a balance is probably the key to coming out at the other end of this journey emotionally intact, but that's easier said than done.

I still get butterflies as I arrive on campus each morning, or as I sit in a classroom waiting for the professor to arrive. I still can't believe I am actually finally going after what I've always wanted. How can I not give it my 200 percent? So, I find myself on the ride of my life while gripping tightly onto the love and support of my husband and my kids. There's no more room for anything else.

And once in a while, I feel the disconnect from all those other people and things I love... and wonder if I'm doing the right thing. There will be no more do-overs. This is it. What if ten years from now, I look back and realize I had traveled on the wrong train?

I let it hang in all of its heaviness for a moment...take a deep breath...then ask myself, "Am I still having fun?" And the answer is, "Oh, yes!" I went into this promising myself to keep having fun, and I must maintain that perspective if I want any chance at crossing the finish line. At the same time, I know that if the answer should ever change, I have the choice to get off the ride. I have to allow myself that loophole in order to continue breathing.

Also, I have this... the online outlet for expressing and releasing my thoughts so they don't just fester inside my mind. It is a much appreciated friend. :-)

Having worked through the heaviness this morning... for the time being, the weight lifts and the confusion subsides. Onward, student!

[Image credit: Don Hong-Oai]

Open letter to the sensible state trooper

Thank you, Mr. State Trooper, for pointing out that my recently purchased used vehicle of one week was in violation of the Virginia window tint law.

Thank you for being so thoughtful to ask me if I had been pulled over before, to which I replied, "No, I just purchased the vehicle one week ago from someone from another state, and I've just registered it, put on the plates, and had it inspected earlier today."

Thank you for advising me that the rear windows should let in at least 35% of the light and the front window should let in at least 50%, which I agree every driver in the state of Virginia should be aware of, along with many other such laws that most people don't take the time to know inside and out because they just assume that’s the purpose of state inspections.

Thank you for taking such care in filling out all of the blanks on the lovely form you handed to me, called "Virginia Uniform Summons" and letting me know that signing the form in no way means admitting guilt.

Thank you for choosing a court date when I will be in school and cannot afford to miss another class because I just got done working my ass off trying to catch up for the two classes I missed last week because of my kids.

Thank you for keeping your composure when I suddenly lost control and protested that you were being absolutely unfair in giving me a ticket, when a simple warning would have had me in the tinting shop within two days. How was I to know this information about the tint? Where the hell do I find the details of the law? Thank you for consoling me by letting me know that "this is nothing to get so upset over," when my frustration overwhelmed me and I could not talk without crying.

I did later attempt to search for the information, Mr. State Trooper, because, after all, you insisted that I was personally responsible for knowing every state law pertaining to my vehicle. After much trouble, I did find some ambiguous jargon at the bottom of this page on your website.

Then I finally found the information to which you referred on a page that talks about, of all things, medical waivers on the DMV site.

This has been such an educational experience for me, and I am forever grateful to you for teaching me this valuable lesson which I would have never learned otherwise. I would love to appear in court just to have the chance to see you again in all of your brilliance and common sense; however, I have no choice but to mail in my signed admission of guilt along with the $91 in fines.

Please be assured that you have yet again done your duty, and the streets of Virginia are much, MUCH safer place because of it.

With loving respect,

L.M.

After-thought: Even if I were aware of the specifics of the tint law, shouldn't I be allowed more than a mere week from purchasing the vehicle to correct the problem? I just don't get it...

On Father's Day...

I’ve had the pleasure of watching a gifted writer grow from a delightful little girl into a lovely young woman with a bright future ahead of her. Recently, I was allowed a small peek into the precious and vulnerable words written from her heart. I was so moved by her writing that I asked for her permission to post it on my blog as a Father’s Day post. I promised her anonymity, as she was too shy to let anyone else read it, including her own parents. I hope someday, she will have enough courage to share it with the wonderful people she loves…

I wonder if he has freckles dotting the corners of his eyes, like I do… if his ring fingers are double-jointed, like mine are…if I interited my stubborn spirit and insatiable sweet tooth from him.

I’ve crafted him in my imagination as a cross between Superman and Old Saint Nick, the perfect combination of love and strength. He sill sweep me up into his arms and hold me so close that I can smell his breath, a mixture of peppermint and tobacco, and the unfamiliar scent of the years I have missed. I will murmur words of comfort into his ear as he struggles to find words big enough to tell me how much he loves me.

I already know I will forgive him.

There’s only one flaw in my plan, though: my father left twelve years ago, and he hasn’t yet come looking for me.

I’m afraid I won’t recognize him, though, for I can only remember my father by the one photo I have of him. In it, he is squinting into the camera, shielding his eyes from the sun, a hint of a smile playing at the corners of his lips, his other arm wrapped tightly around me like a cocoon. I wonder if he knew, even then, that he wouldn’t see any of it: my preschool graduation, as I pranced across a makeshift podium; my first dance, Hawaiian-themed, as I returned home with stars in my eyes, a wilted lei draped around my neck; or my first varsity tennis match, where I marched off the court with my head held high, saving the tears until I fell into my mother’s warm embrace.

But despite his mistakes, and all the memories he missed, I always wanted him back. When I was younger, I would clasp my hands and squeeze my eyes tight, afraid that if I peeked, God wouldn’t bring him back. I asked for a daddy who would help me with my homework every night. A dad who would skip his football game to help me learn to rollerblade. Someone who would love me more than love itself, who wouldn’t be dragged from me come heaven or hell. Someone who would give up his life if I couldn’t be a part of it.

Someone like the man my stepfather has been for nine years.

It’s funny how, oftentimes, you don’t realize what’s right in front of you because you’ve been looking back for so long. I sought love, acceptance, and comfort from the man who left me willingly, never realizing that I had it all in another father ready to step in. A father unrelated by blood, but bound by something a thousand times stronger.

~ H.

Happy Father’s Day… to all fathers out there… those who are truly present, as well as those who are only able to love from afar.

Generation RX, the documentary

I recently watched an important film by Kevin P. Miller (@kevinpmiller), Generation RX. I ordered the DVD through the website, but you can also find it on Amazon.

We watched the video as a family, and we were captivated throughout. My teenage children, who are 17 and 15, sat through the entire length of the video. I was pleasantly surprised that they were able to sit through a documentary, which does not happen too often. We then had a long, sometimes heated, discussion about the issue. It made all of us think.

Generation RX is a compelling documentary which contains disturbing and alarming information everyone should be aware of before considering ADHD or anti-depressant medications. The doctors will not tell you about it. The drug companies will not tell you about it. You need to be proactive in obtaining your own information to decide what chemicals you are putting into your child and yourself, especially when it comes to altering the way our brains function.

In today's acronym-happy, take-a-pill-to-cure-all society, the only party who stands to benefit may be the drug companies.

It had been suggested to me repeatedly that my son may have ADHD during his first few years in grade school. After doing some research, I chose to ignore those suggestions, and he is now a perfectly normal and active 15-yr-old who makes the honor roll every year.

On the flip side, though, I don't think the other side of the issue was fairly represented in the video. I found myself hoping and waiting for a segment that presented the opposing side who believes in the effectiveness of the medications. It's hard to be pragmatic without looking at both sides.

I wanted to hear some stories of those whose lives were improved because of the drugs, and could they have used an alternate approach? There are shocking correlations between these drugs and violent behaviors, but do they actually "cause" those behaviors? It's hard to tell. However, it cannot be ignored or taken lightly, especially if you or your children are on these meds.

Do your research. Watch this video. Look around and realize just how many people are taking these medications in your own circle of influence. Think for yourselves. Don't let the drug companies do the thinking for you and decide the future of your children.

Parenting w/ good intentions can stifle individuality

I came across this today:

Let us beware and beware and beware...of having an ideal for our children. So doing, we damn them. ~ D.H. Lawrence

The Pygmalion Project, almost unavoidable in mating, is perhaps even more of a temptation in parenting. Most parents believe quite sincerely that their responsibility is to raise their children, to take an active part in guiding them, or perhaps in steering them, on their way to becoming mature adults. Even more than the husband-wife relationship, the parent-child relationship has this serious factor of interpersonal manipulation seemingly built into it, as though part of the job description of Mother or Father. Unfortunately, this hands-on model of parental responsibility -- well-intentioned though it may be -- all too often ends in struggle and rebellion. The truth is that kids of different temperament will develop in entirely different directions, no matter what the parents do to discourage one direction in favor of another. To manipulate growth is a risky business. In our natural zeal to discourage moral weeds from springing up we risk discouraging mental flowers from growing, our parental herbicides killing the good and the bad indiscriminately.

It's an excerpt from Please Understand Me II by David Keirsey.

You can read the rest of the excerpt HERE.

Freedom and Fear of Loneliness

My quest in life is freedom. Being free to think, free to choose, free to learn, free to speak, free to laugh, free to cry, free to love, and free to be this person behind the eyes through which I see the world. Being truly authentic, original and unique is my goal in everything that I do. I make great efforts to achieve this goal (at the cost of often humiliating myself). I have a going joke that I have a ministry called "Fall-down Ministry" where people come to watch me make a fool of myself. I think I'm beginning to get the hang of the falling down (and getting back up). :-)

On the flip side, my greatest fear is loneliness. The likelihood that there will never be another one like me... that ultimately, I am utterly alone in this world... is the fear and dread that plague me.

There's something strangely appealing about conformity. It is the magnetic force that constantly tugs at me, and I am certain it has power over most of us in varying degrees. I wish I could just give in to it and be satisfied. That is the chronic thorn in my side. It would be so much easier just to fall in line with the majority and not be so rebellious. I wish I could just flip the off switch and ride the current.

Perhaps the cost of freedom is separation; and in order to be truly free, we have to be willing to face the loneliness.

(Just in case you were wondering... the image is a photo of "Rebellious Slave" by Michelangelo.)

Simple vs. Complex (S/N)

According to the type theory (MBTI), the Sensing types are said to prefer simple and to-the-point information, and the iNtuitives are said to prefer the complex.

Therein lies my problem of not being able to explain anything simply. My extremely "N" brain is so intertwined around so many ideas and concepts that connect to each other in some way. As soon as someone asks for my opinion and I have a thought, it immediately starts to network with hundreds of other thoughts previously stored, looking for connections. And since I'm a master at finding connections between everything (yes, I think Kevin Bacon lives in my brain)... I need to explore and investigate the connections, how they fit together, and why they fit together... are there any more that I have missed? What other future connections could there be? Could there be possible adverse effects? and if so, how can it be prevented? etc. etc... You get the idea.

And if I'm trying to explain a concept to you, try not to have a puzzled look on your face. In my attempt at simplifying it, I will have to go back to the origin of the very first thought that I started with and try to explain each step that I took in coming to the final conclusion and why.  And most likely, there is no conclusion, because I'm always game for continuation.

To an "S," simplifying may mean a condensed version. But to an "N," simplifying means explaining.

If the N is an Introvert (I), perhaps the explanation will be expressed in a more organized and understandable way. But being an Extravert (E), the explanation usually runs out of my mouth as I'm thinking it through; and yes, I agree... oh what a mess it is sometimes!!

And if all that made sense to you, you get two thumbs up!  Or... shall I explain further? ;-)

NOTE: Some aspects of this post has been exaggerated to get my point across. I'm not always that complicated and scattered. Honest! :)

My Imaginary Friend

I was introduced to twitter by @phdbre in the fall of last year (2008). With the encouragement of @danupoyner, I decided to give it a try.

Including that first post, I've written five posts about twitter and have tried to figure out whether it's a good thing or just a nuisance and a waste of time.

The answers went from "this is stupid" to "this is fantastic" to "everyone's gotta try this" to "why am I losing sleep over this" to "people are doing good things on here" to "I know I can find a way to make this work" to "I am really bored with this" and so on...

I think I have finally figured it out (for now :-)). In the beginning, I felt pressured to always say things that are insightful, profound, or hilarious. I thought being noticed by others was the goal of twitter, and perhaps it is for some people. I found myself pressuring myself to post things that would be worth a second look by the readers. Getting people to reply back to me became the carrot that kept me searching endlessly for something brilliant or funny to say (and increasingly feeling incompetent.)

Just like anything else that I start with good intentions, I became disillusioned and bored with the whole thing (this, by the way, is a common trait among ENTPs). I hoped I could find a great use for twitter and make a difference in people's lives. But that was exactly the problem. Meeting the impossible standard I set for myself depended largely on other people responding to me. The more I looked for attention and approval, the less I could be myself. So I mostly stayed away and almost deleted my account but chose not to because of the few inspiring (and real) people whom I follow.

Then, a few days ago, I realized that perhaps the only thing I need to do, ever... is just be myself. If something profound gets said, let it be spontaneous. If I should be judged for saying something less than brilliant, less than uber friendly, less than hilarious, or downright stupid... that should not be my concern.

I began throwing my random thoughts onto the rectangular canvas at the top of my twitter page and observing how they land... no restrictions or fear of judgment. I no longer hover my mouse over the "update" button wondering if my words are worthy to post. Twitter finally feels like a friend. It can be my thinking-out-loud space. And I'm choosing to look at any replies merely as thoughts bouncing back at me. I just bounce them back with no expectations. This seems to be working (for now.) :-)

There's something strangely freeing about releasing all the personal attachment and feelings connected to something and letting go of expectations. The anxiety lifts, and I am not afraid to be me.

UPDATE: I WAS WRONG! HERE and HERE for the latest.

"El Sistema" being launched in the U.S.

I believe in the power of music and art. I saw the following story on 60 Minutes in April 2008 (it's about 13 minutes). It made my heart swell with pride at what Dr. Jose Abreu has done for the children of Venezuela. This is the type of story that makes me say out loud, "There's hope for us yet."




Feast your senses on a product of his passion (Performed live for TED 2009 - Keep in mind these are high school kids!! Amazing! Video is about 17 min.):



Then earlier this year, he received the TED Prize and requested help in bringing his program to the U.S. and other countries. My new hero! (video is about 17 min.)



This is what he says starting at minute-mark 14:53:

We hope that TED can contribute in a full and fundamental way to the building of the new era in the teaching of music, in which the social, communal, spiritual, and vindicatory aims of the child and the adolescent become a beacon and a goal for a vast social mission - No longer putting society at the service of art,
and much less at the service of monopolies of the elite,
but instead art at the service of society,
at the service of the weakest,
at the service of the children,
at the service of the vulnerable,
and at the service of all those who cry for the vindication through the spirit of their human condition and the raising up of their dignity.

I found out today that the program is being launched at the New England Conservatory of Music in Boston.

More info about the program: El Sistema USA.
You can support a fellow or become a fellow through that site.

Bravo, TED!! I hope with all my heart the program is successful.

What Did I Do?

Wouldn't it be nice if everyone in social situations were required to fill out an evaluation survey before they suddenly stop calling or showing up? For me, it's not so much about the specific people, but knowing the what, why, and how.

EXIT SURVEY

1. What, if anything, did I/we do or say to upset/offend you?
   
2. Why did you choose the exit option instead of speaking up?
3. How, in your opinion, can I/we prevent upsetting future visitors?
   
4. Would you be willing to consider the possibility that you misunderstood the situation, statement, etc.?
   
5. What, if any, were some of the positive aspects of your visit?
   
6. If you were me, how would you assess the situation?
   
7. You may exit now... thank you for visiting and have a nice life!

War on Love Handles

Only if the above picture was what he meant by love handles... I would not be writing this post.

When my husband pointed to my love handles yesterday, it was like getting hit over the head with the "reality" bat. Did he HAVE to be so blunt? I was trying soooooooo hard to remain in my denial. It's bad enough that most of my peers in school are 25 years my junior. I now have to face the middle-age middle-bulge.

Since I've been sitting on my butt for the past several months wrestling with the text books and the keyboard, I have neglected my body. It is finally turning on me. My reflection in the mirror is looking more and more like my mother. I am losing my battle with youth. I can no longer hang onto it with just positive outlook and good genes.

Okay... it seems petty, and it seems vain. But I'm suddenly feeling extremely old and insecure...and about to go into depression. After sobbing to a friend for 3 hours last night and giving myself a pep talk all morning, I've decided that I will not go down without a fight. I would love to say that I'm doing it for my health; but let's face it, we all know that our vanity is the real motivation behind our obsessions with diet and fitness. Call me shallow.

I'm declaring war on my age and, specifically, my thickening middle. Grrrrrrr...

A New Chapter - My 'not-so-secret' Secret

I have a secret shame. Or…shall I say I’ve HAD a secret shame?

But before you jump to conclusions, let me just say that I was raised in a different culture with a different mindset. Some of my friends are puzzled at this shame of mine. They don’t understand why I am so embarrassed by it. But in my family, it is something to be ashamed of. It is what I value the most in life above all else, perhaps even above love (if you can imagine that). Having it means having freedom, in so many ways. And in my immature foolishness, I passed up my first opportunity to get it. Then life happened for about 25 years. I have no complaints, mind you... but there has always been that one source of regret, my secret shame, in the back of my mind.

Then... about six months ago, I asked myself what's preventing me from going after what I've always wanted. I could not come up with one convincing answer. So I challenged myself to go for it.

What is it, you ask? It is… shhhhh… education!

Yes, I became a full-time college student at age f...(uh, never mind…it’s just a dumb number). I’m taking the maximum course load allowed, and my first semester is almost over. I still have to pinch myself every other day to make sure I’m not dreaming. Who would've thought that all I had to do was make up my mind and just do it? I’m like a kid in a candy store thus far, and holding a 4.0 average. Yay! Everybody do the dance!!

If I plan it just right, my daughter and I will be graduating from college at the same time, with my son a few years behind us. Now, if I can just get my husband to sign up for some graduate courses, the whole family could be going to college together. Wouldn’t that be something? A family who gets educated together, goes broke together… something like that… :-)

I'll keep you posted. ;-)

Food for Thought...

Aristotle said:

We must not listen to those who advise us "being men to think human thoughts, and being mortal to think moral thoughts," but must put on immortality as much as is possible and strain every nerve to live according to that best part of us, which, being small in bulk, yet much more in its power and honor surpasses all else.

Fair enough... It is a frame of mind which is very honorable and something to strive for, indeed. I, myself, wish that I could remain in that mindset. But I stray. Do we not all stray?

I am one of those who often point out that "being human is being human." I am not looking for excuses to be complacent or to behave badly. There is another reason. I see other people behaving in ways that I tend to judge as bad, weak, selfish, etc., and I fail to remember that I, too, can be bad, weak, selfish, etc...
In order for me to accept others as they are, I must first accept that I am a fallible human being as well. I may sound like a broken record if I quote Anais Nin yet again (as it is one of my favorite quotes), but it is very appropriate here and so true:

We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.

At the same time, I am the first to point out when something seems out of line. I immediately try to judge whether something is good or bad. But why do we always focus on what is good or bad? What is noble or unworthy? What is right or wrong? Who gets to decide? Yes, I am a Christian and I believe in what Christ has done. But what of those with a different set of beliefs, even within the Christian community? Are they not valuable and worthy human beings? In addition, the judgments are often based on what I see and what I know. But there's so much more of what I don't see and what I don't know. Logic would dictate, then, that my view is very much incomplete.

I find myself falling into my own square trap again and again. Before I know it, I am back in my box staring at the same old boring walls. My ongoing battle is to keep ramming my head through to the other side for another view. It gives the phrase "banging my head against the wall" a totally new meaning, doesn't it? I am forever wishing that others would venture outside of their boxes and try to see things from other angles. Why people are content with what they already see and not interested in seeing more is beyond my understanding. But... perhaps that, too, is just my narrow view.

I'd like to suggest that we look at another side of the idea of "strain[ing] every nerve to live according to that best part of us." Those of us who strive to be a better human being... what does "better" mean? Does the "better" not indicate that we are comparing ourselves to those who are "worse?" We do not see what is behind the eyes of those people we judge.