I woke up with something heavy in the pit of my stomach. It wanted some attention, so I ventured.
Two semesters ago, I have jumped in head first into this college endeavor of mine, and I have not looked back. With a maximum course load, together with my annoying need to overachieve in everything, I go to bed thinking about my assignments and wake up thinking about my assignments. Do I even have the capability of half-assing anything? I don't even know what that means.
I often jolt to a waking state in a panic, thinking that I have overslept and missed a class... only to find that I still have plenty of time.
I am struggling to keep my priorities in order, that being that I am a mother first, wife second, and a student third. The third seems to repeatedly come up as first; and although my family understands and fully supports me, I'm left wondering if I'm being unfair to them. But, miraculously, we are still managing through it as one unit.
That leads me to the rest of the people and things that are being neglected. I do have an obsessive-compulsive streak in the way I jump into things, and I'm known to get tunnel vision when I am focused on a project/mission. But this has to be, by far, the most I have become detached from life outside of my immediate world.
I know that keeping a balance is probably the key to coming out at the other end of this journey emotionally intact, but that's easier said than done.
I still get butterflies as I arrive on campus each morning, or as I sit in a classroom waiting for the professor to arrive. I still can't believe I am actually finally going after what I've always wanted. How can I not give it my 200 percent? So, I find myself on the ride of my life while gripping tightly onto the love and support of my husband and my kids. There's no more room for anything else.
And once in a while, I feel the disconnect from all those other people and things I love... and wonder if I'm doing the right thing. There will be no more do-overs. This is it. What if ten years from now, I look back and realize I had traveled on the wrong train?
I let it hang in all of its heaviness for a moment...take a deep breath...then ask myself, "Am I still having fun?" And the answer is, "Oh, yes!" I went into this promising myself to keep having fun, and I must maintain that perspective if I want any chance at crossing the finish line. At the same time, I know that if the answer should ever change, I have the choice to get off the ride. I have to allow myself that loophole in order to continue breathing.
Also, I have this... the online outlet for expressing and releasing my thoughts so they don't just fester inside my mind. It is a much appreciated friend. :-)
Having worked through the heaviness this morning... for the time being, the weight lifts and the confusion subsides. Onward, student!
Being an overachiever is a beautiful. Anything worth having or doing or living is worth your best efforts - and if your honest with yourself, you'll see that we have significantly more to give than we would normally believe - the human spirit is amazing! Frankly, I don't understand the choices that others make in mediocrity whether it involves the content or quantity of foods they eat, people with whom they surround themselves or how they spend their time - they deserve your influence...
ReplyDeleteI connected with this post and have only 2 comments:
Priorities - you list mother, wife, student. And I wonder if there isn't a better priority? I might suggest:
1) Student - really this is "self". You cannot really give to others if you are not personally fulfilled and free of the personal angst of your own desire to achieve. You might subordinate this for the sake of "sacrifice" or "love" of your family. I think this is false. Your loved ones want you to be happy too. And the more you are the more you can give. So self has to be top priority. You have to take care of yourself that includes fitness, nutrition and in your case your studies. I get up at 5am to fit it all in. (eating the right energy-producing foods is the key - future post)
2) Wife has to be 2nd priority. Before kids there was just the 2 of you. The intimate relationship is the deepest and most powerful relationship of all. It must be nurtured, nourished, appreciated and prioritized. It will fuel your female power like nothing else.
3) Mother. God bless you. Perhaps the toughest job of all? They need to learn from you what a beautiful, healthy, loving relationship between a man & woman looks like. Kids also need structure. It is the law of all nature that kids will grow up and leave the nest. It's your job to 'teach' them more than 'give' them the internal resources for a fulfilling life.
Everyone will need you and need from you. Teaching your kids how to be self reliant as well as being in a nurturing relationship and giving to yourself are all very important. I believe the above priority is the way to achieve this.
Balance - I think is a common misconception in today's world since it is rarely achievable and forces unwilling tradeoffs. I believe that 'integration' is a much more powerful perspective. Integrate yourself into the lives of your loved ones and have them do the same. Get creative. Have fun. This is the way more than balance towards the life we want...