Can I choose NOT to be merry?

November and December are my least favorite months of the year. I start getting into my grumpy mood about the second week in November and don't come out of it until after January.

Perhaps it has something to do with the cold weather. But it's more likely that I become too overwhelmed with the pressures and obligations surrounding the holidays. There are just too many parties, gatherings, collections for the needy, family obligations, hours spent in traffic, and shopping for useless gifts.

I know I get this way every year... and it's getting worse.

You must give, you must love, you must socialize, you must be cheerful, and you MUST ENJOY EVERY MINUTE OF IT... or else! Or else? Yes... or else you are seen as a Scrooge and frowned upon. Or else you are a social misfit. Or else you will live a miserable life then shrivel up and die alone. Oh, really?

When? When did this unwritten social law go into effect?

And that's why I rebel against it. Not because I don't want to give, love, or socialize... but because I don't like anyone else telling me how, when, and whom to love. I don't feel like I have a choice in the matter during the holidays. What happened to our freedom to choose?

Maybe I'll start decorating a cherry tree in April and giving random gifts in August just to throw people off. Hmm...

It's a bad attitude, I know. Shame on me for not enjoying such a joyous time of the year. Is it just me? ;-)

Popularity at what cost?

There is so much talk about the shocking performances at the AMA last night, such as that of Adam Lambert.

It is no shocking revelation that artists will always push the limits and force us out of our comfort zone. That's the beauty and the gift of art. But when does it cross the line? Where is that fine line when art becomes lost in the heap of I-dare-you-to-judge-me stunts? Don't get me wrong... I am not judging the content of the performance. I'm just wondering about the motivation behind it.

This makes me wonder if we, as social animals, all end up selling ourselves short for the cheap thrill of receiving momentary attention and/or admiration? Do we begin to lose our true selves in order to continue pleasing the audience?

If we succumb to the pressure of keeping our fans and constantly having to one-up ourselves, where is the freedom in that?

If freedom of expression is used as a crutch merely to shock people, where is the art in that?

Is it possible to rise above this dreaded addiction to attention? As I sit back and criticize others, I have to admit I often feel it too (the need to dare them, to please them, to prove a point to them... whatever it is, it can easily become a trap and a prison).

Am I showing my age with this view? Am I just not keeping up with what's current? Am I the one who's just not getting it?

Update: I had to revise some of my unfair and harsh statements I had previously written. I apologize if you saw them before the revision. :)

Is Religion Selfish?: My thoughts after watching "To Verdener" ["Worlds Apart"]

self⋅ish

  –adjective

1.	devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.

2.	characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself: selfish motives. (Dictionary.com)

I’ve come down with a cold, which gave me an excuse to mope around in front of the TV and get a chance to flip through the recorded movies on our DVR (we record random foreign movies that look interesting), and I stumbled upon a thought-provoking movie.

The movie is based on a true story about a 17-year-old girl struggling to deal with the clashing viewpoints between her faith and the realities of the world around her. She has a loving family and is deeply devoted to her church until she meets and falls in love with a boy who does not share her beliefs, at which time she begins to question the ideas which she had previously blindly accepted. She is then rejected by the church and also by her family, who essentially has no choice if they are to remain in their faith. She tries fervently to maintain her relationship with them, but to no avail.

In the final scene, she is confronted by her father after she has made an unwelcome appearance at the funeral of an old friend. I cannot remember the exact wording in the dialogue, but it went something like this:

Father: It was selfish of you to have come. Don’t you know it’s painful for us to see you?

Sara: Dad? Do you love me?

Father: What kind of question is that? Of course I love you very much.

Sara: Do you love God more than me?

Father: Yes… I do.

Sara: Why?

Father: Because he’s my father in heaven. Because he created me. Because he promises me an everlasting life…

Sara: Dad, you are the one who is selfish.

She then walks away.

It’s a powerful statement and one that is worth pondering.

(Side note: The religion in question is Jehovah’s Witness… but I intentionally did not mention it above, because it may then be shrugged off as a story about cults. But it’s more than that. I think the message can be applied to any dogmatic belief system, religion or otherwise, wherein we can lose sight of what’s right in front of us in our attempts to chase the rainbow.)

(Check out the Danish movie, Worlds Apart, if you get a chance.)

Normally Abnormal

This is turning out to be a fun place for me to just pop in for a few minutes to get my mind off of other things... like writing a paper.

I've been attempting to write a psych term paper all day, which I should have started a month ago and finished by now. During the course of this day of report-writing frenzy, I've written three posts (this makes it four) on this blog, wrote two long comments on other blogs, and created urgent needs to make two emergency shopping trips, one of which was to go buy a 6-pound medicine ball. Why? Because I felt the sudden urge to play catch with it, that's why! Sheesh! The way you're shaking your head, one would think it's not something EVERYONE does in the middle of doing homework. What? No? hmm...

Anyway, I think I have some ADD symptoms. But doesn't everybody to a degree?

I have finally managed to force myself to finish the first draft, and we'll see if I can somehow come up with a final draft by tomorrow.

Honestly, sometimes I have to roll my eyes at myself...

Image: http://thegazz.com/gblogs/karinfuller/2008/01/13/structured-procrastination/

"Please Don't Label Me" bus campaign

This is a bus campaign recently launched by the British Humanist Association. Many Christians are outraged by such ads. I have had mixed feelings about previous bus ads and billboards being promoted by various secular and humanist groups.

I have to say, though, this one is clearly not an anti-Christian or pro-atheist message.

I like it. Okay? So go ahead... Beat me over the head with a Bible.

Wrong on every level

The following story was recently posted on the Christian Science Monitor site.

May I just say that it's just plain wrong and puts another bitter taste in my mouth for religion in general? Pe---tui!! (Read for yourselves.)

Biblical anti-Obama slogan: Use of Psalm 109:8 funny or sinister? | csmonitor.com

Outcast by Choice

I often find myself in a group or a place where I feel like an outcast. I somehow end up being the odd person out whenever I'm sitting in the classroom, among friends, in church, neighborhood functions, other social gatherings, etc.... Throughout my life, I had assumed this is because either I was flawed or the group was flawed. Or simply blame it on my minority status, which is the easiest way to get out of thinking too hard... and a cop-out.

What I have recently discovered was that I often seem to choose to be the outcast. A part of me does not want to belong to a larger group. I rather enjoy being an enigma most of the time. I don't like being influenced by other's views and I like to see things for myself and make up my own mind about everything. That's why I end up doing things that people warn me against and also refuse to do the things they say I must do. ...unless I have coincidentally decided on my own that I will or will not do those things. If there is one view, I come up with an opposing view. If there are two opposing views, I come up with a third view. If a third view is already presented, then I try to think of a whole new perspective... and so on. It can be very annoying, I know. ;-) However, I'm not afraid to admit I'm wrong when it's pointed out to me or change my mind in the middle of an argument.

But back to the point of being an outcast... When I start to feel like I'm being too immersed in a group, I start to feel uncomfortable. I think it's the discomfort of blending with others that I dislike more so than the awkwardness of being the oddball. I end up seeking out other groups, views, and ideas. Hmm... perhaps this is a commitment issue? I don't think so, but worth exploring at another time (mental note).

Yes, I do take freethinking to the extreme sometimes and end up with my face in the dirt. But hey, I'd rather have a dirty face than a face made on the assembly line.

Is it bad? Is it just me? ;-)

I have no time for incompetence

If you've landed here via psychology.alltop.com, I apologize. This blog should not be listed there. I just want it said that I've asked for it to be removed from the list (but why is it still there?). I have no qualifications to talk about psychology other than the fact that I am a student of psychology and love to observe and contemplate human behavior in myself and others. Honestly, I was put there by mistake. I'm not an expert on the subject nor do I pretend to be, which brings me to my next point...

Please don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to be judgmental in what I'm about to say. I make a huge effort not to judge people (this is very important to me), but I cannot help but judge their performance. I'm just trying to be honest.

Those who know me understand that it's one of my pet peeves -- people pretending to be something they are not. Incompetent people should not pretend to be competent. Unqualified people should not pretend to be qualified. There should be a direct correlation between effort and reward. If recognition is given, it should be deserved. And if it is deserved, it should be given.

Service providers who charge high-quality prices with mediocre or inferior service? That annoys me to no end. Customers who are too stupid to notice or too "nice" to speak up, allowing them to continue in the same way? That annoys me even more. Pacifists who frown upon others for their honest critique? That downright infuriates me.

That's why I've always felt uncomfortable when people describe me as "nice." That's another thing that close friends know about me. I'm not that nice. Sometimes I can even be cold and uncaring in trying to tell the truth. I'll lend you my shoulders (to a point) for your sob stories...sure. But don't let those sob stories interfere with your work or use them as an excuse for poor performance. If you can't keep up, remove yourself from the job and let someone else more competent take your spot. No hard feelings.

I'll only put up with it for one reason and one reason only -- if you have creative talent that surpasses your pain-in-the-ass-ness.

Is that bad? Is it just me?

(UPDATE: Yep... I was in one of my moods when I wrote this... oh well.)

Image: http://www.theodoresworld.net/archives/2009/07/judges_dont_belong_on_the_batt.html

The "Golden Rule" in practice

Now... this is what I'm talking about. I could not agree more. However, putting ourselves in the other person's mindset... I mean, trying to really THINK like they think, see exactly what they see... has to be the hardest thing to achieve. I'm not sure if I agree with the part about the terrorists, though. That also involves religion, which messes up all logical thinking and complicates things at a whole new level. Anyway, his thoughts are very much worth pondering:

What is higher education?

Okay... the image is an inside joke, representing Professor Teeth. Don't ask. Anyway, on with the rant.

During class, I often have so many questions and so many thoughts about what is being presented. I always want to explore other perspectives... other points of view. Even if I agree... and especially if I agree strongly. Two weeks ago, I posed a question to my history professor via email about a passionate lecture he gave... but it was not well received. Obviously, he knows much more about the subject being taught than myself. My only goal is to learn to think better. I was not looking to challenge him. I was looking for some bouncing back and forth of thoughts. But a professor who doesn't want to discuss another possible point of view with a student? Hmm...

The psychology class is another doozy. There is just so much material to be covered, and the information gets presented from the text book as if that is the way it is. The professor is willing to listen to questions, but there is a tight agenda for each class and, as a matter of fact, for the whole semester, and serious discussion is not possible.

Then there are the classes where we spend hours upon hours to write a paper, and it sits in the professor's inbox for weeks on end or we get it back with a letter grade and very little feedback. What meaning does a 4.0 GPA have when there is no satisfaction of having grown and matured in my thinking?

In each class, we are told that we should think critically. Yet there is not enough allowance (in time or attitude) for discussion or any serious questions to explore another view. I started college for the opportunity to think with other thinkers. But instead, I'm just getting more high school at an accelerated speed. Perhaps this will change when I get to the university? when I get into upper level classes...?

Is it just me?

Free at Last!!

Yay! I deleted my twitter account, and now I can think freely on here (sort of).

Let's try... Hmm... yeah.

Hmmmmm...... oooh yeah.

HMMMMMMMM..... Ahhh~

Ciao for now!

Image: http://us.sanyo.com/Think-GAIA

Oh, twitter... you annoy me so.

Ok... that's it. Somewhere in the internet world, there is an RSS fairy who keeps sending the feed from this blog to my twitter account. I have no idea how to get the darn application to stop sending them. Twitterfeed doesn't even have it on the feed list. Argh.... I no longer want to advertise every rant I write by having it show up as a tweet. Whatever happened to the old days when people just accidentally stumbled upon my site? I find self-promotion extremely uncomfortable, especially when I don't have much to say that's worthy of attention. That's what twitter was starting to feel like, thus my absence. Oh, twitter. What do I do with you? Delete or not to delete the account?

And this. What do I do with this blog? It served me well as a place to vent my thoughts for a while, but...

but... yeah. Exactly... hmm...

As I publish this second blog post of the day, it [blogging] just seems to have lost the appeal. I tried very hard to find some remaining spark, but I'm coming up with nothing.

Perhaps I'll be back someday.

You can't say that I didn't give it my best...

Reward without effort

Today I'm wondering if there is any value in receiving an award if there was not much effort put into the achievement.

There was an award ceremony yesterday at the high school. My son is an honor roll student who gets his grades with little or no effort (a concern of mine, but back to the point...) It did not mean much to him that there was such a ceremony and, therefore, shrugged it off as not important. Contrary to what other parents may think, my husband and I agree with our kids and do not push them to attend the events if they are not particularly proud of their accomplishments.

On the other hand, when he worked hard at memorizing his lines for a dramatic performance and put every effort into researching and practicing his part, he was extremely proud of his work and ecstatic about the praise and the attention he received.

Call me old-fashioned or even cold-hearted... but honestly, should kids be constantly rewarded for their innate abilities or skills without putting in any extra effort? I agree that encouragement is always important, but there is a clear difference between encouragement and under-deserved reward. Shouldn't the "C" that was received after hard work be more deserving than the "A" which came easily? In addition, do our kids really need to be showered with medals and trophies at every turn and have all their material wishes granted on every holiday? Shouldn't exceptional rewards follow truly exceptional efforts?

I don't know... I could be missing something, but it just doesn't make sense to me...

Quentin Tarantino, I know what you mean...

In this week's "The Week" magazine, Quentin Tarantino is quoted as saying:

"When I'm doing a movie, I'm not doing anything else. It's all about the movie. Nothing can get in my way. The whole world can go to hell and burst into flames. I don't care. If you're climbing Mount Everest, you're not doing anything else. All your concerns, all the mundane things, family, any of that, it just--pfft--disappears."

I know EXACTLY what he means by that, because I have that same trait. And it doesn't seem to be a choice. The project, whatever I'm working on, becomes my whole world and nothing else exists for the duration. I end up feeling like I'm short-changing my family, but I can't seem to help myself. It's good to know that there are others.

Addressing the Wrong Issue - Is it really about race?

The above statement by President Obama opened up the floodgates of criticism, as well as support, about whether he should have even gotten involved. Some say that racial profiling in America is an issue that needs to be brought up and discussed. But was this incident really about race?


Here's a slightly different view:

"My suspicion is that this was not about race, this was about power," said Richard Weinblatt, director of the Institute for Public Safety at Central Ohio Technical College. "In the old days, we used to call this 'contempt of cop.' This person was charged with 'contempt of cop' because they kept pushing and pushing. But it has opened up a very powerful national dialogue on race, and it's something that police need to address." ~ from a Washington Post article

If the issue is about power, then why are we not talking about power instead of race? I totally agree with the statement that power and class division are the bigger issues here.

Could the situation possibly be seen from the following perspective?:

a) a highly educated and respected professor refusing to succumb to what could be interpreted as undue authority imposed on him by less educated police officer

in direct conflict with

b) a highly respected and experienced law enforcement officer given the power to make arrests at his discretion feeling disrespected by what could be interpreted as academic and, possibly, upper-class arrogance

Perhaps race did play a role, but I don't think it was the main issue at all. I just think that the "race card" is grossly overplayed in this country. It's so much easier to blame it on racism than to look at a more complex problem that would put all of us under one umbrella.

Working through the heaviness

I woke up with something heavy in the pit of my stomach. It wanted some attention, so I ventured.

I guess it must come from suddenly feeling disconnected from the world as I knew it. I wondered when was the last time I got together with my girlfriends just to laugh? When was the last time I called my sister or my mom just to talk? When was the last time I saw my church family? When was the last time I went shopping for something other than food? When was the last time I cooked a meal from scratch? When was the last time I went to the theater? When was the last time I saw the ocean?

Two semesters ago, I have jumped in head first into this college endeavor of mine, and I have not looked back. With a maximum course load, together with my annoying need to overachieve in everything, I go to bed thinking about my assignments and wake up thinking about my assignments. Do I even have the capability of half-assing anything? I don't even know what that means.

I often jolt to a waking state in a panic, thinking that I have overslept and missed a class... only to find that I still have plenty of time.

I am struggling to keep my priorities in order, that being that I am a mother first, wife second, and a student third. The third seems to repeatedly come up as first; and although my family understands and fully supports me, I'm left wondering if I'm being unfair to them. But, miraculously, we are still managing through it as one unit.

That leads me to the rest of the people and things that are being neglected. I do have an obsessive-compulsive streak in the way I jump into things, and I'm known to get tunnel vision when I am focused on a project/mission. But this has to be, by far, the most I have become detached from life outside of my immediate world.

I know that keeping a balance is probably the key to coming out at the other end of this journey emotionally intact, but that's easier said than done.

I still get butterflies as I arrive on campus each morning, or as I sit in a classroom waiting for the professor to arrive. I still can't believe I am actually finally going after what I've always wanted. How can I not give it my 200 percent? So, I find myself on the ride of my life while gripping tightly onto the love and support of my husband and my kids. There's no more room for anything else.

And once in a while, I feel the disconnect from all those other people and things I love... and wonder if I'm doing the right thing. There will be no more do-overs. This is it. What if ten years from now, I look back and realize I had traveled on the wrong train?

I let it hang in all of its heaviness for a moment...take a deep breath...then ask myself, "Am I still having fun?" And the answer is, "Oh, yes!" I went into this promising myself to keep having fun, and I must maintain that perspective if I want any chance at crossing the finish line. At the same time, I know that if the answer should ever change, I have the choice to get off the ride. I have to allow myself that loophole in order to continue breathing.

Also, I have this... the online outlet for expressing and releasing my thoughts so they don't just fester inside my mind. It is a much appreciated friend. :-)

Having worked through the heaviness this morning... for the time being, the weight lifts and the confusion subsides. Onward, student!

[Image credit: Don Hong-Oai]

Open letter to the sensible state trooper

Thank you, Mr. State Trooper, for pointing out that my recently purchased used vehicle of one week was in violation of the Virginia window tint law.

Thank you for being so thoughtful to ask me if I had been pulled over before, to which I replied, "No, I just purchased the vehicle one week ago from someone from another state, and I've just registered it, put on the plates, and had it inspected earlier today."

Thank you for advising me that the rear windows should let in at least 35% of the light and the front window should let in at least 50%, which I agree every driver in the state of Virginia should be aware of, along with many other such laws that most people don't take the time to know inside and out because they just assume that’s the purpose of state inspections.

Thank you for taking such care in filling out all of the blanks on the lovely form you handed to me, called "Virginia Uniform Summons" and letting me know that signing the form in no way means admitting guilt.

Thank you for choosing a court date when I will be in school and cannot afford to miss another class because I just got done working my ass off trying to catch up for the two classes I missed last week because of my kids.

Thank you for keeping your composure when I suddenly lost control and protested that you were being absolutely unfair in giving me a ticket, when a simple warning would have had me in the tinting shop within two days. How was I to know this information about the tint? Where the hell do I find the details of the law? Thank you for consoling me by letting me know that "this is nothing to get so upset over," when my frustration overwhelmed me and I could not talk without crying.

I did later attempt to search for the information, Mr. State Trooper, because, after all, you insisted that I was personally responsible for knowing every state law pertaining to my vehicle. After much trouble, I did find some ambiguous jargon at the bottom of this page on your website.

Then I finally found the information to which you referred on a page that talks about, of all things, medical waivers on the DMV site.

This has been such an educational experience for me, and I am forever grateful to you for teaching me this valuable lesson which I would have never learned otherwise. I would love to appear in court just to have the chance to see you again in all of your brilliance and common sense; however, I have no choice but to mail in my signed admission of guilt along with the $91 in fines.

Please be assured that you have yet again done your duty, and the streets of Virginia are much, MUCH safer place because of it.

With loving respect,

L.M.

After-thought: Even if I were aware of the specifics of the tint law, shouldn't I be allowed more than a mere week from purchasing the vehicle to correct the problem? I just don't get it...

On Father's Day...

I’ve had the pleasure of watching a gifted writer grow from a delightful little girl into a lovely young woman with a bright future ahead of her. Recently, I was allowed a small peek into the precious and vulnerable words written from her heart. I was so moved by her writing that I asked for her permission to post it on my blog as a Father’s Day post. I promised her anonymity, as she was too shy to let anyone else read it, including her own parents. I hope someday, she will have enough courage to share it with the wonderful people she loves…

I wonder if he has freckles dotting the corners of his eyes, like I do… if his ring fingers are double-jointed, like mine are…if I interited my stubborn spirit and insatiable sweet tooth from him.

I’ve crafted him in my imagination as a cross between Superman and Old Saint Nick, the perfect combination of love and strength. He sill sweep me up into his arms and hold me so close that I can smell his breath, a mixture of peppermint and tobacco, and the unfamiliar scent of the years I have missed. I will murmur words of comfort into his ear as he struggles to find words big enough to tell me how much he loves me.

I already know I will forgive him.

There’s only one flaw in my plan, though: my father left twelve years ago, and he hasn’t yet come looking for me.

I’m afraid I won’t recognize him, though, for I can only remember my father by the one photo I have of him. In it, he is squinting into the camera, shielding his eyes from the sun, a hint of a smile playing at the corners of his lips, his other arm wrapped tightly around me like a cocoon. I wonder if he knew, even then, that he wouldn’t see any of it: my preschool graduation, as I pranced across a makeshift podium; my first dance, Hawaiian-themed, as I returned home with stars in my eyes, a wilted lei draped around my neck; or my first varsity tennis match, where I marched off the court with my head held high, saving the tears until I fell into my mother’s warm embrace.

But despite his mistakes, and all the memories he missed, I always wanted him back. When I was younger, I would clasp my hands and squeeze my eyes tight, afraid that if I peeked, God wouldn’t bring him back. I asked for a daddy who would help me with my homework every night. A dad who would skip his football game to help me learn to rollerblade. Someone who would love me more than love itself, who wouldn’t be dragged from me come heaven or hell. Someone who would give up his life if I couldn’t be a part of it.

Someone like the man my stepfather has been for nine years.

It’s funny how, oftentimes, you don’t realize what’s right in front of you because you’ve been looking back for so long. I sought love, acceptance, and comfort from the man who left me willingly, never realizing that I had it all in another father ready to step in. A father unrelated by blood, but bound by something a thousand times stronger.

~ H.

Happy Father’s Day… to all fathers out there… those who are truly present, as well as those who are only able to love from afar.

Generation RX, the documentary

I recently watched an important film by Kevin P. Miller (@kevinpmiller), Generation RX. I ordered the DVD through the website, but you can also find it on Amazon.

We watched the video as a family, and we were captivated throughout. My teenage children, who are 17 and 15, sat through the entire length of the video. I was pleasantly surprised that they were able to sit through a documentary, which does not happen too often. We then had a long, sometimes heated, discussion about the issue. It made all of us think.

Generation RX is a compelling documentary which contains disturbing and alarming information everyone should be aware of before considering ADHD or anti-depressant medications. The doctors will not tell you about it. The drug companies will not tell you about it. You need to be proactive in obtaining your own information to decide what chemicals you are putting into your child and yourself, especially when it comes to altering the way our brains function.

In today's acronym-happy, take-a-pill-to-cure-all society, the only party who stands to benefit may be the drug companies.

It had been suggested to me repeatedly that my son may have ADHD during his first few years in grade school. After doing some research, I chose to ignore those suggestions, and he is now a perfectly normal and active 15-yr-old who makes the honor roll every year.

On the flip side, though, I don't think the other side of the issue was fairly represented in the video. I found myself hoping and waiting for a segment that presented the opposing side who believes in the effectiveness of the medications. It's hard to be pragmatic without looking at both sides.

I wanted to hear some stories of those whose lives were improved because of the drugs, and could they have used an alternate approach? There are shocking correlations between these drugs and violent behaviors, but do they actually "cause" those behaviors? It's hard to tell. However, it cannot be ignored or taken lightly, especially if you or your children are on these meds.

Do your research. Watch this video. Look around and realize just how many people are taking these medications in your own circle of influence. Think for yourselves. Don't let the drug companies do the thinking for you and decide the future of your children.

Parenting w/ good intentions can stifle individuality

I came across this today:

Let us beware and beware and beware...of having an ideal for our children. So doing, we damn them. ~ D.H. Lawrence

The Pygmalion Project, almost unavoidable in mating, is perhaps even more of a temptation in parenting. Most parents believe quite sincerely that their responsibility is to raise their children, to take an active part in guiding them, or perhaps in steering them, on their way to becoming mature adults. Even more than the husband-wife relationship, the parent-child relationship has this serious factor of interpersonal manipulation seemingly built into it, as though part of the job description of Mother or Father. Unfortunately, this hands-on model of parental responsibility -- well-intentioned though it may be -- all too often ends in struggle and rebellion. The truth is that kids of different temperament will develop in entirely different directions, no matter what the parents do to discourage one direction in favor of another. To manipulate growth is a risky business. In our natural zeal to discourage moral weeds from springing up we risk discouraging mental flowers from growing, our parental herbicides killing the good and the bad indiscriminately.

It's an excerpt from Please Understand Me II by David Keirsey.

You can read the rest of the excerpt HERE.

Freedom and Fear of Loneliness

My quest in life is freedom. Being free to think, free to choose, free to learn, free to speak, free to laugh, free to cry, free to love, and free to be this person behind the eyes through which I see the world. Being truly authentic, original and unique is my goal in everything that I do. I make great efforts to achieve this goal (at the cost of often humiliating myself). I have a going joke that I have a ministry called "Fall-down Ministry" where people come to watch me make a fool of myself. I think I'm beginning to get the hang of the falling down (and getting back up). :-)

On the flip side, my greatest fear is loneliness. The likelihood that there will never be another one like me... that ultimately, I am utterly alone in this world... is the fear and dread that plague me.

There's something strangely appealing about conformity. It is the magnetic force that constantly tugs at me, and I am certain it has power over most of us in varying degrees. I wish I could just give in to it and be satisfied. That is the chronic thorn in my side. It would be so much easier just to fall in line with the majority and not be so rebellious. I wish I could just flip the off switch and ride the current.

Perhaps the cost of freedom is separation; and in order to be truly free, we have to be willing to face the loneliness.

(Just in case you were wondering... the image is a photo of "Rebellious Slave" by Michelangelo.)

Simple vs. Complex (S/N)

According to the type theory (MBTI), the Sensing types are said to prefer simple and to-the-point information, and the iNtuitives are said to prefer the complex.

Therein lies my problem of not being able to explain anything simply. My extremely "N" brain is so intertwined around so many ideas and concepts that connect to each other in some way. As soon as someone asks for my opinion and I have a thought, it immediately starts to network with hundreds of other thoughts previously stored, looking for connections. And since I'm a master at finding connections between everything (yes, I think Kevin Bacon lives in my brain)... I need to explore and investigate the connections, how they fit together, and why they fit together... are there any more that I have missed? What other future connections could there be? Could there be possible adverse effects? and if so, how can it be prevented? etc. etc... You get the idea.

And if I'm trying to explain a concept to you, try not to have a puzzled look on your face. In my attempt at simplifying it, I will have to go back to the origin of the very first thought that I started with and try to explain each step that I took in coming to the final conclusion and why.  And most likely, there is no conclusion, because I'm always game for continuation.

To an "S," simplifying may mean a condensed version. But to an "N," simplifying means explaining.

If the N is an Introvert (I), perhaps the explanation will be expressed in a more organized and understandable way. But being an Extravert (E), the explanation usually runs out of my mouth as I'm thinking it through; and yes, I agree... oh what a mess it is sometimes!!

And if all that made sense to you, you get two thumbs up!  Or... shall I explain further? ;-)

NOTE: Some aspects of this post has been exaggerated to get my point across. I'm not always that complicated and scattered. Honest! :)

My Imaginary Friend

I was introduced to twitter by @phdbre in the fall of last year (2008). With the encouragement of @danupoyner, I decided to give it a try.

Including that first post, I've written five posts about twitter and have tried to figure out whether it's a good thing or just a nuisance and a waste of time.

The answers went from "this is stupid" to "this is fantastic" to "everyone's gotta try this" to "why am I losing sleep over this" to "people are doing good things on here" to "I know I can find a way to make this work" to "I am really bored with this" and so on...

I think I have finally figured it out (for now :-)). In the beginning, I felt pressured to always say things that are insightful, profound, or hilarious. I thought being noticed by others was the goal of twitter, and perhaps it is for some people. I found myself pressuring myself to post things that would be worth a second look by the readers. Getting people to reply back to me became the carrot that kept me searching endlessly for something brilliant or funny to say (and increasingly feeling incompetent.)

Just like anything else that I start with good intentions, I became disillusioned and bored with the whole thing (this, by the way, is a common trait among ENTPs). I hoped I could find a great use for twitter and make a difference in people's lives. But that was exactly the problem. Meeting the impossible standard I set for myself depended largely on other people responding to me. The more I looked for attention and approval, the less I could be myself. So I mostly stayed away and almost deleted my account but chose not to because of the few inspiring (and real) people whom I follow.

Then, a few days ago, I realized that perhaps the only thing I need to do, ever... is just be myself. If something profound gets said, let it be spontaneous. If I should be judged for saying something less than brilliant, less than uber friendly, less than hilarious, or downright stupid... that should not be my concern.

I began throwing my random thoughts onto the rectangular canvas at the top of my twitter page and observing how they land... no restrictions or fear of judgment. I no longer hover my mouse over the "update" button wondering if my words are worthy to post. Twitter finally feels like a friend. It can be my thinking-out-loud space. And I'm choosing to look at any replies merely as thoughts bouncing back at me. I just bounce them back with no expectations. This seems to be working (for now.) :-)

There's something strangely freeing about releasing all the personal attachment and feelings connected to something and letting go of expectations. The anxiety lifts, and I am not afraid to be me.

UPDATE: I WAS WRONG! HERE and HERE for the latest.

"El Sistema" being launched in the U.S.

I believe in the power of music and art. I saw the following story on 60 Minutes in April 2008 (it's about 13 minutes). It made my heart swell with pride at what Dr. Jose Abreu has done for the children of Venezuela. This is the type of story that makes me say out loud, "There's hope for us yet."




Feast your senses on a product of his passion (Performed live for TED 2009 - Keep in mind these are high school kids!! Amazing! Video is about 17 min.):



Then earlier this year, he received the TED Prize and requested help in bringing his program to the U.S. and other countries. My new hero! (video is about 17 min.)



This is what he says starting at minute-mark 14:53:

We hope that TED can contribute in a full and fundamental way to the building of the new era in the teaching of music, in which the social, communal, spiritual, and vindicatory aims of the child and the adolescent become a beacon and a goal for a vast social mission - No longer putting society at the service of art,
and much less at the service of monopolies of the elite,
but instead art at the service of society,
at the service of the weakest,
at the service of the children,
at the service of the vulnerable,
and at the service of all those who cry for the vindication through the spirit of their human condition and the raising up of their dignity.

I found out today that the program is being launched at the New England Conservatory of Music in Boston.

More info about the program: El Sistema USA.
You can support a fellow or become a fellow through that site.

Bravo, TED!! I hope with all my heart the program is successful.

What Did I Do?

Wouldn't it be nice if everyone in social situations were required to fill out an evaluation survey before they suddenly stop calling or showing up? For me, it's not so much about the specific people, but knowing the what, why, and how.

EXIT SURVEY

1. What, if anything, did I/we do or say to upset/offend you?
   
2. Why did you choose the exit option instead of speaking up?
3. How, in your opinion, can I/we prevent upsetting future visitors?
   
4. Would you be willing to consider the possibility that you misunderstood the situation, statement, etc.?
   
5. What, if any, were some of the positive aspects of your visit?
   
6. If you were me, how would you assess the situation?
   
7. You may exit now... thank you for visiting and have a nice life!

War on Love Handles

Only if the above picture was what he meant by love handles... I would not be writing this post.

When my husband pointed to my love handles yesterday, it was like getting hit over the head with the "reality" bat. Did he HAVE to be so blunt? I was trying soooooooo hard to remain in my denial. It's bad enough that most of my peers in school are 25 years my junior. I now have to face the middle-age middle-bulge.

Since I've been sitting on my butt for the past several months wrestling with the text books and the keyboard, I have neglected my body. It is finally turning on me. My reflection in the mirror is looking more and more like my mother. I am losing my battle with youth. I can no longer hang onto it with just positive outlook and good genes.

Okay... it seems petty, and it seems vain. But I'm suddenly feeling extremely old and insecure...and about to go into depression. After sobbing to a friend for 3 hours last night and giving myself a pep talk all morning, I've decided that I will not go down without a fight. I would love to say that I'm doing it for my health; but let's face it, we all know that our vanity is the real motivation behind our obsessions with diet and fitness. Call me shallow.

I'm declaring war on my age and, specifically, my thickening middle. Grrrrrrr...

A New Chapter - My 'not-so-secret' Secret

I have a secret shame. Or…shall I say I’ve HAD a secret shame?

But before you jump to conclusions, let me just say that I was raised in a different culture with a different mindset. Some of my friends are puzzled at this shame of mine. They don’t understand why I am so embarrassed by it. But in my family, it is something to be ashamed of. It is what I value the most in life above all else, perhaps even above love (if you can imagine that). Having it means having freedom, in so many ways. And in my immature foolishness, I passed up my first opportunity to get it. Then life happened for about 25 years. I have no complaints, mind you... but there has always been that one source of regret, my secret shame, in the back of my mind.

Then... about six months ago, I asked myself what's preventing me from going after what I've always wanted. I could not come up with one convincing answer. So I challenged myself to go for it.

What is it, you ask? It is… shhhhh… education!

Yes, I became a full-time college student at age f...(uh, never mind…it’s just a dumb number). I’m taking the maximum course load allowed, and my first semester is almost over. I still have to pinch myself every other day to make sure I’m not dreaming. Who would've thought that all I had to do was make up my mind and just do it? I’m like a kid in a candy store thus far, and holding a 4.0 average. Yay! Everybody do the dance!!

If I plan it just right, my daughter and I will be graduating from college at the same time, with my son a few years behind us. Now, if I can just get my husband to sign up for some graduate courses, the whole family could be going to college together. Wouldn’t that be something? A family who gets educated together, goes broke together… something like that… :-)

I'll keep you posted. ;-)

Food for Thought...

Aristotle said:

We must not listen to those who advise us "being men to think human thoughts, and being mortal to think moral thoughts," but must put on immortality as much as is possible and strain every nerve to live according to that best part of us, which, being small in bulk, yet much more in its power and honor surpasses all else.

Fair enough... It is a frame of mind which is very honorable and something to strive for, indeed. I, myself, wish that I could remain in that mindset. But I stray. Do we not all stray?

I am one of those who often point out that "being human is being human." I am not looking for excuses to be complacent or to behave badly. There is another reason. I see other people behaving in ways that I tend to judge as bad, weak, selfish, etc., and I fail to remember that I, too, can be bad, weak, selfish, etc...
In order for me to accept others as they are, I must first accept that I am a fallible human being as well. I may sound like a broken record if I quote Anais Nin yet again (as it is one of my favorite quotes), but it is very appropriate here and so true:

We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.

At the same time, I am the first to point out when something seems out of line. I immediately try to judge whether something is good or bad. But why do we always focus on what is good or bad? What is noble or unworthy? What is right or wrong? Who gets to decide? Yes, I am a Christian and I believe in what Christ has done. But what of those with a different set of beliefs, even within the Christian community? Are they not valuable and worthy human beings? In addition, the judgments are often based on what I see and what I know. But there's so much more of what I don't see and what I don't know. Logic would dictate, then, that my view is very much incomplete.

I find myself falling into my own square trap again and again. Before I know it, I am back in my box staring at the same old boring walls. My ongoing battle is to keep ramming my head through to the other side for another view. It gives the phrase "banging my head against the wall" a totally new meaning, doesn't it? I am forever wishing that others would venture outside of their boxes and try to see things from other angles. Why people are content with what they already see and not interested in seeing more is beyond my understanding. But... perhaps that, too, is just my narrow view.

I'd like to suggest that we look at another side of the idea of "strain[ing] every nerve to live according to that best part of us." Those of us who strive to be a better human being... what does "better" mean? Does the "better" not indicate that we are comparing ourselves to those who are "worse?" We do not see what is behind the eyes of those people we judge.

Is critical thinking too much to ask?

I did it again. I turned into a raging lunatic foaming at the mouth at the sound of those detested words:

“We cannot give you a reason; that’s just our policy.”

I consider myself a patient and accepting person, but being told to follow the rules without logic or reason is one thing that makes me go blind with fury.

I used a $20 coupon at a store last week, which could be used on any two printer cartridge packs. I won’t tell you which store it was in order to protect their reputation… but let me just say that the name of the store rhymes with the word Bosco and you can buy items in bulk with a membership. :) (And please note that I generally LOVE this store - I'm not trying to bash it.)

Anyway, with the coupon, I purchased two different cartridges for my two printers at home. I will refer to them as P1 and P2 for the sake of this post. Upon arriving home, I realized I should have purchased P3 instead of P2. I decided to return the unopened P2 package and exchange it for P3 and either pay or get a refund for the difference in price. The $20 coupon would still apply. Simple enough, right? Apparently not.

I arrived at the return counter with the P2 and my receipt, upon which the following ensued:

Clerk 1: “Ma’am, you need to bring back P1 along with P2 in order for us to give you a refund.”

Me (voice level 1): “uh… I don’t want a refund. I just want to exchange P2 for P3. The coupon would still apply.”

Clerk 1: “You cannot get P3 in place of P2, because the price may be different.”

Me (voice level 1.5): “I understand that. So tell me what the difference is, and we’ll go from there.”

Clerk 2: “We need the P1 before we can do any kind of a transaction.”

Me (voice level 2): “I want to keep the P1. In fact, I’ve already opened the package and the cartridge is in my printer. I just need to exchange P2.”

Clerk 1: “We cannot do that, ma’am.”

Me (voice level 2.5): “Why not?”

Clerk 1: “It’s our policy.”

Me (voice level 3): “The coupon said ‘any two cartridges,’ and I just want to exchange this particular one.”

Clerk 2: “We need to see the other one. You need to bring that one back as well.”

Me (voice level 3.5): “Okay… the receipt shows that I purchased the other one with this one, so if it’s the bar code you need, you can take another one exactly like it off the shelf and use it for the transaction, then put it back.”

Clerk 1: “No, we can’t do that. That would throw off our stock.”

Me (voice level 4): “WHAT?!? That doesn’t even make sense.”

Clerk 2: “Sorry ma’am. That’s our policy.”

Me (voice level 4.5): “No it’s not. It doesn’t make any sense. Let me explain this to you. The coupon applied to any two. I got A and B. B doesn’t work. I return B and get the C. I would end up with A and C. I just pay the difference or get a refund for the difference between B and C. You don’t need to see A to do this transaction.”

Clerk 2: “It’s our policy. If you don’t have the P1 package, then take the cartridge out of your printer and bring it.”

Me (voice level 5): “WHY? I DON’T WANT TO RETURN THAT ONE! I JUST WANT TO RETURN THIS ONE! Do you have a brain? Can’t you see the logic? Can’t you see that you’re not making sense?”

Clerk 1: “There are rules that don’t make sense to us either, but we have to follow them because they are the rules. There’s nothing we can do.”

Me (with my veins ready to pop): “NO! That will not do. You have to produce better explanation than that! I’m not leaving here without getting this resolved. USE YOUR HEAD, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!”

Clerk 1 (with defiance): “There’s nothing we can do!”

Me (now through clenched teeth): “This is crazy… Let me talk to a manager.”

By this time, my frustration level was almost beyond human capacity, and I was practically having an out-of-body experience.

The manager appeared, and he was much more reasonable (thank God! otherwise I might have internally combusted.) He found a way to complete the transaction without much effort, to the clerks’ chagrin.

I’m not proud of the way I behaved. I knew I was right, but I could have handled it a little more diplomatically. I feel like I have a Mr. Hyde side of me that emerges at the push of the right buttons. It makes me cringe. I’ll have to keep a low profile for a while and wear a disguise when I go back to the store…

My point for this post, besides admitting my shortcomings, is that the customer service personnel should be trained in being flexible and being able to look at issues on a case-by-case basis rather than parroting the words “those are the rules.” If you don’t have a good reason for those rules, I will call you out every time.

Psychology of Eve - Another Perspective

When I started this blog last year, I had every intention of focusing only on my experience with the MBTI and keeping it light and fun. I had another blog which I had decided to place on hiatus where I used to write about spiritual issues. Before I knew it, I lost my focus, and I have no idea where this blog is going. Go figure! It's not unlike the way I do everything else in life. Staying on track is extremely difficult for an ENTP.

So here I continue with my tangent that I started yesterday about religion:

Hugo posted a new blog post about how people interpret the Bible differently and gave this link at the end of his post. It is an interesting perspective of a Bible passage written by RLP (Real Live Preacher). I've been browsing through RLP's blog and found his video recommendations on how to read the Bible - also very interesting...

RLP's writing reminded me of a story of Eve I had written some time ago on the old blog.

My interpretation of what happened in the garden (Gen 2:15 ~ 3:13):

Eve was a gift to Adam. The moment he saw her, he immediately loved her. She came out of him. She was a part of him. He knew he would never be whole again without her.

Eve suddenly found herself standing before Adam as the object of his affection and love. He was everything to her. She liked the feeling of being needed, wanted, desired. The more Adam gave to her, the more she wanted of him. She soon realized that Adam was willing to do anything within his power to satisfy her. She could ask him for anything, and he provided. He ruled over the land and all the other living things. His knowledge and wisdom came directly from God, and there was nothing that Adam was not able to produce for her.

This puzzled and intrigued Eve very much. Adam seemed to have a special relationship with God that she did not have. She was not a part of it. She wanted Adam all to herself. She did not want to share him with God. She was also envious of Adam's abilities that she did not have. Why did she always have to look to him for her needs? She wanted to be able to do things for herself. She wanted to do what he could do.

While she was sitting and sulking one day, a serpent slithered towards her. It looked directly into her eyes, and it was as if its thoughts were speaking to her thoughts. These thoughts were powerfully hypnotizing and seemed to take control of her mind. The serpent understood all that she had been feeling. He told her she had every right to be upset over the relationship between God and Adam. Adam should rightfully be all hers. She should be number one to him, not God.

He was the one who mentioned the tree. He asked her about the tree. He asked if God himself said that they shouldn't eat from any tree in the garden. She thought about it, but could not remember exactly what Adam had told her. She remembered that it was the tree in the middle of the garden, but no other details. As a matter of fact, Adam told her that God gave him the instructions before she was even created. God had not spoken directly to her. She suddenly wondered why. Was she not good enough? She couldn't have her new friend thinking that she was not very intelligent.

She just blurted out, "Ummm... You must not eat from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and... um... oh yeah, you must not touch it either, or you will die."

Her friend chuckled and said, "You will not surely die. Do you realize how silly that sounds? How can you die from eating a piece of fruit? That doesn't even sound logical, does it?"

He kindly looked at her, and he seemed so smart and wise. He made her feel validated.

She asked him, "Then why would God not want us to eat the fruit?"

He smiled and gave her the most amazing information by saying, "The tree is called the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. God knows that if you eat of it, you will become like Him and be able to know all that he knows. You will become self-sufficient. He knows you will then no longer need Him. That's what he does not want."

He added, "It's strictly up to you, but I don't see anything wrong with becoming like God, do you?" He then slithered away.

Eve was very tempted. He said she could be just like God. That would mean that She could finally have Adam all to herself. In addition, she can begin to provide for herself without depending on him. She will have to convince Adam to eat the fruit also. If the serpent happens to be wrong, and if something bad were to happen from eating the fruit, she definitely did not want to be alone. She knew there were risks involved, but she thought it was definitely worth a try.

When she proposed the idea to Adam, he was clearly upset. She'd never seen him so confused. However, she knew she could somehow convince him of the idea. She was going to get her way if it was the last thing she did. She pleaded with him to listen to her. She wanted him to see how much she loved him and that they could be happy together without God always having to be in the middle of it.

She brought him to the tree and showed him how harmless and delicious the fruit looked. She touched the tree. Nothing happened. She reached up and picked a fruit. Nothing happened. She looked into Adams eyes and took a bite of the fruit. It tasted amazing. She closed her eyes and waited. Nothing happened.

The bewildered look in Adam's eyes began to soften. He was now puzzled. She smiled and picked another fruit. She handed it to Adam. Adam stood in front of her with the fruit in his hand, and he looked so handsome, so brave. She told him how much she admired and respected him.

He slowly brought the fruit to his lips and took a bite. He did not die. But in that moment, EVERYTHING changed. They saw things that they did not see before. They felt things that they did not feel before. They looked down and suddenly felt extremely uncomfortable about their nakedness. They were filled with fear. They ran for cover to hide from each other. They found fig leaves and sewed them together to cover their bodies.

Shortly thereafter, they heard God walking through the garden. They were terrified that He would find them in their current state, so they hid behind the trees. God called to Adam, and Adam had to answer him. He tried to explain to God that the reason he was hiding was because he was ashamed of his own nakedness. He wanted God to know that he still loved Him. God asked him if he ate the forbidden fruit. Adam pointed to Eve and tried to claim his innocence. After all, God gave her to him. He could not take the blame.

God then turned to Eve and spoke to her. This shocked Eve, in that this was the first time that God spoke to her directly. It somehow gave her a sense of importance for one fleeting moment. Then she was filled with fear again. What will become of her? She had to think of something to save both Adam and herself from this interrogation. She then decided to reveal her source. In her mind, that was the only way. She had to hang onto their survival even at the cost of betraying a friend. She divulged the information that the serpent had given her. She told God that she did not want to listen to him, but that he deceived her and convinced her into believing him.

She had no idea of the truth that she spoke...