I am in love with David Keirsey. In his book, Please Understand Me II, which is a revised version of Please Understand Me, he begins as follows:
If you do not want what I want, please try not to tell me that my want is wrong.
Or if my beliefs are different from yours, at least pause before you set out to correct them.
Or if my emotion seems less or more intense than yours, given the same circumstances, try not to ask me to feel other than I do.
Or if I act, or fail to act, in the manner of your design for action, please let me be.
I do not, for the moment at least, ask you to understand me. That will come only when you are willing to give up trying to change me into a copy of you.
If you will allow me any of my own wants, or emotions, or beliefs, or actions, then you open yourself to the possibility that some day these ways of min might not seem so wrong, and might finally appear as right – for me. To put up with me is the first step to understanding me.
Not that you embrace my ways as right for you, but that you are no longer irritated or disappointed with me for my seeming waywardness. And one day, perhaps, in trying to understand me, you might come to prize my differences, and, far from seeking to change me, might preserve and even cherish those differences.
I may be your spouse, your parent, your offspring, your friend, your colleague. But whatever our relation, this I know: You and I are fundamentally different and both of us have to march to our own drummer.
I am in awe of how much he speaks my heart…
This is one of my favorite books of all time. I think I lost my 4th copy last year - I keep giving them to people who are struggling to seal with someone who is so very different.
ReplyDeleteI first bought this book about 10 years ago when I was a young Technical Analyst. Of course, being an ENTP, I generally hold myself in high regard, but back then I had a rather high opinion of myself due to A. The IT job market and B. the career trajectory I had been on and C. I was 20 something and kicking ass - whats not to be impressed with?
Anyway, I had this boss. We have all had them. Our exact opposite. Yes, an INFJ running an IT department of INTJs and ENTPs. It was an interesting dynamic which could be reduced to the technical people finding problems and the manager asking us if we could find different problems that were not as upsetting to deal with and that did not hurt peoples feelings.
This was a situation where the the things I did well were very hard for my boss to see and the things that were my weakness (punctuality?) were most important to him.
After reading this book, I was able to alter my interaction to give my boss what he needed (gratitude, safety, assurance and certainty). By giving him what he needed to feel better about me, I turned the relationship around (mostly).
Since then, this book has helped my ISFP wife and I improve our relationship. It has helped us understand our family dynamics in a way we never thought possible and I got one for my younger brother - we were never very close due to our age difference, but we have been amazed at how well we get along and think alike (he is an INTP).
I think I can type 70% of people withing a few minutes of meeting them but the challenge is to maintain objectivity.
Great blog, I will be back for sure.
Thank you David, for your thoughts!
ReplyDelete"what's not to be impressed with?"
I am impressed! :-)
As I am usually surrounded by SJs and NFs, it's great to have you here!!
Thanks :)
ReplyDeleteI actually meant to say that my boss was an ISFJ. The few INFJs I have known have been treasured friends.
Another thing I really liked about Kierseys book is the way he aligned the 4 archetypes along the axis of "pragmatic / social cooperation" and "concrete / abstract"
My ISFP wife and I align very well along the pragmatic axis (we really don't care what most people think) and that is a great source of "us against the world" esprit de corp.
David,
ReplyDeleteYes, I was wondering about the NF boss. Thank you for clearing that up, not to say that SFJs cannot be good bosses, mind you.
My ISTJ husband is often the idea killer in our relationship... but I've learned to find support elsewhere when I need to and also to use his all-too-realistic views to rethink some of them. We balance each other out quite nicely.
It's great that you and your wife are both P's. I bet you have a lot of fun together!! :-)